We Will Make It in the End
by keksmama
Summary: Claire learns the hard way that one wrong decision can turn your whole world upside down and that things will never be the same... Written completely from Claire's POV
1. Chapter 1

_I got the idea to this story reading a friend's comment to her own story and just let my imagination run wild from there...and now I hope you like the result. This story is written completely from Claire's point of view, something I have never done before, and I hope it's believable and clear that all you read are Claire's thoughts and not my own...at least I try..._

_I already have a couple parts finished but the story is nowhere near being finished so come on board and enjoy the ride..._

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_Summary:_ Claire learns the hard way that one little decision made wrong can change your life in the most drastic way...

_Disclaimer:_ McLeod's Daughters and its characters and plots sadly don't belong to me...if they did I wouldn't be the poor student that I am

**We Will Make It in the End**

**Part 1**

What a beautiful morning this is. Tugging my bathrobe a little tighter around me I take a deep breath of the cool, fresh air.

I'm outside on the balcony of my bedroom, leaning against the thick stone railing, looking out over Drovers Run as the sun slowly creeps over the edge of the hills around me and paints the morning sky in the most amazing colours.

I love the sunrise over Drovers…especially from the balcony. It's so peaceful…the only sound I hear is nature waking up.

This reminds me of my childhood…Sunday mornings with my Dad…we'd always come out here and look at the sun rising. Unfortunately I don't get to see this amazing experience very often nowadays…normally I'm already up by the time the sun rises, working somewhere out on this beautiful land I own.

But not today…today's a special day and I didn't even mind not going to work…I'm getting married. For the first and I'm sure only time in my life I'll be walking down the aisle in a few hours time, looking at the most wonderful man on this earth…

I have to smile at the thought of that…he's not perfect altogether, oh no…but he's perfect for me…the only man I ever truly loved.

Maybe I should be nervous because I'm marrying him…I don't know. It seems a bit strange to me that I'm not…or maybe strange is not the right word…I'm surprised…yes, that probably covers it better. I'm surprised I'm not nervous…but all I feel is contentment and happiness and curiosity about the life that's ahead of us.

I guess this has just been too long in the making for me to feel nervous about it…I must have lost that throughout the many years we've known each other now…yeah, that's probably the reason why. I know exactly what lies ahead of us and what I'm getting myself into. I know him inside out and for the most part he knows me just as well…so there's no need to be afraid of anything…I know we'll make it…

"Claire? You awake yet?" I then hear the soft voice of my sister through the half open balcony door. I don't know what time it is or even how long I've been out here now, so I take one last look at that beautifully coloured horizon, before I take another deep breath and head inside.

"Morning Tess…" I say with a happy smile on my face as I re-enter my bedroom…the master bedroom on Drovers Run that used to be my Dad's room many years ago. Now it's mine…and I'll soon share it with my husband. Not that we haven't done that for a while now…but from today on it'll be truly his as well…

"What time is it?" I ask Tess as I slip off my bathrobe and hang it over the footboard of my bed.

"Seven…" she says and comes a little closer to me. I know it's time to get ready…we only have four hours left. For once in my life I've decided I want to look nice…really nice. And since I'm not used to styling myself up it'll take a while…and a lot of help from my family and friends.

I look at Tess again…she has this questioning look on her face as if she wants to ask me something but doesn't know what…

I can see and smell that she's showered already, the sweet, flowery scent of her shampoo and shower gel filling my room…it's good to have her on Drovers again. Since she moved out last year I've really missed having her around.

It seems strange because I still get to see her every day…but it's not the same as living together and I have to admit to myself that I'm actually a bit jealous of Nick because he gets to live with her now. But she's happy…and that's what really matters. At the moment she's practically glowing being six months pregnant with their first child…yes…I am happy for my sister even though I miss her.

"I'll take a shower, Tess…okay?" I ask her because she's still looking at me a bit strange and it seems like she's in a whole other world. I shake my head and sigh "What is it?" I finally ask her…why again is it that I miss her so much?

"Oh…nothing…" Tess awakes from her stare "It's just…you don't seem nervous at all…"

I smile "Well…maybe that's because I'm not…"

"But aren't you at least a tiny bit nervous? I was a wreck the morning of my wedding…" Tess tells me and I only remember that too vividly. She was driving the whole house mad! So I tell her "I know Tess…I was here, remember?"

"Of course you were…I mean…but why aren't you?"

"Because there's no need Tess…nothing really changes…I'm happy and I know he loves me…"

"Hmmm…" Tess still seems to think I should be nervous but I only smile and walk past her, heading towards the bathroom.

"I won't be long Tess…" I look back at her standing in my doorway before I close the bathroom door behind me. I look for my shampoo and shower gel and put the towels where I can easily reach them, before I undress and step into the still wet shower. Here the smell of Tess is even more intensive and I smile…yes, it's good to have her here even if it was only for this one night…

I turn on the water and wait till it's warm enough for me to step under the stream…today everything seems to be perfect and I know in this very moment it is…no matter what the future may bring…today is a perfect day…

If only I had been able to see earlier that it really doesn't take all that much to be happy…all you need is an open heart…

As I feel the warm water running down my body I can't help but start thinking about how I got to where I am today…how this all started…five years ago to this day my life changed completely…it was the day Tess came back into my life…

But if I think about it…this actually started a whole lot earlier…it started the day I first met Alex Ryan…

I had just turned eight a few weeks before and that day I was out on Drovers with my Dad helping him muster some sheep. We were near the border of Killarney when I suddenly noticed somebody on what looked like a pony a little bigger than mine on the other side of the fence. I frowned…there weren't usually any people on Killarney, the property had been empty for as long as I could remember…

"Dad?" I asked my father and pointed in the direction of the pony. "Who's that?"

My father turned his head to see what I was pointing at and then smiled "Looks like the new neighbours moved in…" he said with a curious smile and rode off towards the fence. I followed him closely, way too curious myself about who that was to stay away. As we rode closer I then saw that the rider was a boy not much older than myself…

"Hello there young man…" my father greeted the boy "I'm Jack McLeod…do you need any help?"

The boy shook his head and I found it funny that he was not wearing a hat. The sun was getting hotter with every day…it was quite dangerous to be out here not wearing anything on your head…

So I asked him "Where's your hat?" before he could answer Dad's question and looked him in the eyes…they were the bluest eyes I had ever seen apart from my own…

"Umm…I don't have a hat…" the boy answered and added with a smile "but I'll get one soon I hope…"

Just then I saw two more riders come up the hill on the Killarney side to where we were at the fence…one on a horse, the other one on yet another pony…

"Alex Ryan!" The man on the horse shouted out loud "How many times do I have to tell you not to ride so far ahead of us…you don't know the territory yet…"

So Alex was his name…

I could see the annoyed look of the boy in front of me and had to chuckle…guess Alex was in a bit of trouble now…

"Hello…I'm Harry Ryan…" the man on the horse greeted us when they had reached us. The second rider was a blonde boy who looked a little younger than I was.

"Jack McLeod…nice to meet you…" my Dad replied and tipped his head.

"Ah…then you are our neighbours…" Mr Ryan said with a pleased voice "I'm the new owner of Killarney…"

"Welcome to the community then…" Dad said "You bought a good piece of land there…lot of work to do though…if you need any help let me know…"

Harry smiled back but I didn't really know what to think of it…it looked strange "Thank you Mr McLeod…but I think we should be fine…thanks for the offer though…"

I had been watching the two boys on their ponies the whole time…they had a good seat…it looked like they knew what they were doing despite the fact they had only just bought Killarney.

"Dad…can we go on now?" Alex asked his father "I thought we came here to ride and not to talk…"

"These are our new neighbours Alex…so be polite, will ya? You must excuse my son Mr McLeod…all the boy's got in his head is riding…"

I looked at Alex with wide eyes…so he liked horses, too…

"That sounds just like Claire here…" my Dad said with a smile and looked at me before he turned to Mr Ryan again "And it's Jack…out here you don't want to hold yourself up with formalities…"

"Claire?" Alex looked at me a bit strange "What kind of a name for a boy is that?"

My eyes narrowed as I shot him a nasty look and hissed "I'm not a boy…"

I knew I didn't exactly look like a girl with my jeans and shirt but he still could have noticed the braid that was coming out from under my grey hat…I didn't look like a boy THAT much!

Despite the fact that our start had been a bit rocky, Alex and I became fast friends…after all we were sharing the same interest…horses.

Whenever we could, he and I would go for a ride together and if we were in a good mood we'd even take his younger brother Nick with us. It didn't take long till Alex and I started playing all sorts of tricks on Nick…followed by many more over the next few years.

Our friendship didn't even cool down much when he and I went off to different boarding schools later on…it always only took us a few hours to be back at where we had left off before the school term had started…and then we'd spend almost all our time together during the holidays…it was always the same.

As Alex got older, he discovered, that there was more to other sex than just them having pigtails you can pull on…thankfully he had never done that to me…I don't think he'd live today if he had.

But I guess he never really saw me as a girl anyway…I was his best mate…sexless…just Claire. And I liked it that way. With Alex I never had to pretend I was something I wasn't…I could always be me. I knew he wouldn't look strange at me because I refused to wear skirts and dresses. He would even defend me when somebody made a mean remark about how I looked…I didn't always like that, I was perfectly able to defend myself…but it was good to know he was there anyway.

I left boarding school the summer after I had turned fifteen…I had never liked going to school all that much, all I ever wanted to do was work on Drovers. My big dream was to one day turn Drovers into the best stud in South Australia…maybe even all of Australia…and I couldn't see what school might hold for me…I knew everything I needed to know…and what I didn't my Dad could teach me.

It took quite a bit of talking but finally my Dad agreed and since that day I've been working on the land of my ancestors. I started from the scratch…did all the dirty jobs and proved I didn't mind…slowly working my way up. Dad never treated me any different from the other people working for him…and I liked that…he was a fair boss.

Because I was working now, Alex and I didn't get to see each other quite as much when he came home as we did while I was still in school. That was not only because I was working but also because Alex had to work on Killarney as well whenever he was back from school…

During the summer holidays Nick had had some kind of Rodeo accident when he and Alex had run away…Nick was badly injured and the hard work Alex had to do now was Harry's punishment for that. Alex had told me that his Dad blamed him for what had happened to Nick but whenever I looked at him since then while he was talking to or about Nick I always knew he was blaming himself just as much…

Alex had lost some of his carelessness that summer…and he took up self destructive behaviour he hadn't had before. True, he had always been a bit reckless…but he had never done anything to endanger his own life…

But after Nick's accident Alex suddenly took the most dangerous bulls and horses at the rodeos…he would ride over Killarney in a speed, that if he had ever fallen he would have either been killed or injured even worse than Nick.

And Alex had girlfriends…a new one every week it seemed. At first I was angry and jealous with him because he didn't spend as much time with me…till I realized that none of those girls meant anything to him…they were just distraction. When it came down to the really important things Alex would always come back to me…

But still I was surprised when he asked me for something a year later, the summer after my 16th birthday…I really hadn't expected that…

Alex had been back from boarding school for about a week but we hadn't seen much of each other. We both had work to do. I had missed my friend dearly while he had been away at school and couldn't wait till we could catch up properly.

On Friday the week after he had come home, Alex called me and asked, if I wanted to come on a picnic by the dam with him the next day. He had asked Harry if he could take the afternoon off and thankfully his father had agreed. The picnic by the dam had become our catching up ritual over the years whenever one or both of us had been away for a longer period of time. We always tried to do that within the first week of our return.

My Dad knew about this and how important it was for me so I was sure he'd let me have the time off the next day as well and told Alex when I'd meet him there. This time it was his turn to bring the food.

So the next day while the others were having lunch, I put my bathing suit on under my clothes, packed fresh underwear, a towel and a blanket and got on the way to the dam on Drovers…it was always Drovers where we'd meet…we had found out early on that Killarney was not a place where you'd be left alone.

When I reached our usual meeting spot I saw that Alex was already waiting for me. He was leaning against a tree, overlooking the wide open spaces of Drovers, his horse a few metres away from him, reins let down.

"Oi Ryan…" I shouted as I came closer "save a spot for me under that tree!"

I heard him laugh and shout back "Go find your own tree McLeod…"

That was the usual greeting formula for this kind of event.

I dismounted and got the things I had brought with me off the saddle before I let my horse join Alex's and I sat down beside him under the tree.

"Good day for a swim…" I said and Alex nodded "Yup…too bloody hot to do anything else…"

We both knew what was coming next…we did it every time…the race to the water. It would determine who would have to bring the food next time. I had won the year before…Alex had gotten tangled up in his jeans and had landed flat on his face…I don't think I'll ever forget that sight…I teased him for weeks after that.

Since it was also my turn to announce the start of the race I waited till Alex had closed his eyes till I shouted "Whoever's last is the slowest person ever…"

Our start signal.

While I kicked off my boots I wiggled out of my shirt without opening any of the buttons and pushed down my jeans as fast as I could…I knew Alex was the faster runner now so I needed to win with the quicker undressing…and as I started my run towards the water I could see out of the corner of my eyes that Alex was still pulling his jeans off…he had stayed seated this year, probably not to make the same mistake he did last year…start running too early.

But by the time I finally reached the water he had almost caught up with me…he had really gotten a lot faster over the last year…this would probably be the last time I'd win. Nevertheless I shouted triumphantly "That's three years in a row Alex…I'd start thinking about practice if I were you…"

Alex laughed "Just wait till next year…your unfair tactics of waiting with the start till I'm almost asleep won't work then…"

"Is that threat…" I asked with a cheeky grin but Alex shook his head "That's a promise, mate…just wait and see…"

While joking with each other we had moved deeper into the wonderfully cool water and when I didn't look for a second, Alex grabbed me around my waist and threw me under water.

"What do you say now McLeod…" he asked when I came back up, a proud expression on his face.

"I'd say you got yourself into trouble, Ryan…" I replied and splashed some water in his face.

Before I knew it we were involved in a water fight, laughing and joking with each other till we were both exhausted.

So we decided to head back to our blankets and let ourselves dry off in the sun before we would eat something. While we were lying there side by side I asked "So how's things?" but when I didn't get a reply I sat up and looked at Alex. He just looked into space and it seemed like he hadn't heard my question at all.

"Alex?" I poked him and finally he turned his head towards me.

"What?" he replied and looked me in the eyes…but his gaze stayed distant.

"Is everything alright with you? Something with Nick?" I was a little worried after what had happened with Nick a year earlier…Alex only got that kind of look when it had something to do with his little brother. The last I had heard of my friend he was still in rehab trying to catch up with his school work…that had been a few weeks ago.

"Nah…Nick's fine…" Alex answered and turned his head again to look in the sky.

"What is it then?"

He shrugged his shoulders "Got kicked out of school again…"

I sighed "And now Harry's giving you even more of a hard time, is he?"

"Sort of…" Alex nodded "I really thought I could have some fun this summer holiday…but I'm not even allowed to have a girlfriend…"

I couldn't help but smile a bit…that was really all Alex could think about…how to break the next girl's heart.

"So what?" I told him "Can't live without sex for a few weeks? I'm sure you'll get plenty when you get back to your new school…"

"It's not that Claire…I've…I've never done that with any girl so far…" Alex admitted and I was so surprised I couldn't say anything. So he just went on talking "And no…I won't get that in my new school…the one that Dad picked this time is all boys in the middle of nowhere…to keep me out of trouble he says…"

By that time I had woken up from my surprise…but still couldn't come over the fact that with all the girls Alex had gone out during the last few months he had really never gone all the way…some of the girls had had quite a bit of a reputation.

"You really never had sex before?" was all I could ask him when he was done and I couldn't help but smile…I liked that…

Alex must have felt a little self-conscious under my stare because he sat up, drew his knees up to his chin and hugged his legs.

"Why is that so hard to believe Claire?" he mumbled under his breath.

"Sorry Alex…" I told him "But with all those girls you had last year…I would have thought that you'd done it at least a dozen times already…"

"Well…I haven't…" Alex snapped back and added "Can we please talk about something else now?"

I shrugged my shoulders…I was sure we'd come back to that at one point…

So we talked about what had gone wrong at school this time and what I had done on Drovers while we were eating the lunch Alex had brought. It was delicious…cold chicken on toast, tomatoes, a plastic bowl of salad for each of us and fruit salad and chocolate cake for dessert…I loved Rhonda's cooking. Meg was a great cook as well…but I got her food every day. Rhonda's cooking on the other hand always meant I was doing something special…

After we were done eating, Alex and I lay down side by side again in silence and just enjoyed the warmth of the sun on our bodies.

I had almost fallen asleep when Alex suddenly asked "Claire…have you ever done it?"

"Done what?" I mumbled not really knowing what he was talking about.

"You know…had sex…"

I smiled…I knew he'd come back to that…

"Well…are you gonna tell me why you never had sex?" I asked, my eyes still closed.

"Maybe…" was Alex's indefinite answer. That was not enough for me. If he wanted to know something from me he'd have to tell him something from him…quid pro quo…something for something…that had always been our motto from day one.

"Not enough Alex…you spilled that you never had sex before so that doesn't count…" I therefore told him and he grumbled.

"Okay…" he sighed and I could feel him stir beside me so I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"I'm listening…" I said and waited. I could see the inner fight he was fighting with himself till he finally admitted "I've tried it once and it didn't work…" he quickly said "And then I never dared to do it again…"

"What do you mean it didn't work?" I was a bit confused. What could be so hard about having sex?

Alex sighed "I couldn't keep it up, ok? Are you happy now? But you owe me two answers for that one!"

"Righto…fair's fair…I know the game…so ask!"

"Alright…have you ever done it?"

I smiled. I didn't really have a problem admitting that to Alex…I don't know why "No Alex…I've never done IT…" I told him honestly "Next question?"

"I guess I want to know why as well…" he admitted and I had to think about that. It was not like I had never thought about it or that I had never had the desire to…so why?

So I shrugged my shoulders "I don't actually know Alex…" was the only answer I could give him "I guess so far I haven't met the right bloke I would want to try it with…"

And then he asked me the question I would have never guessed I would hear from my best mate and childhood friend Alex Ryan…

"Would you…maybe…consider trying it with me?"

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_I'm sorry for the cliffie...but I just couldn't resist...I promise you'll get your answer in the next part...which I hope to have up next week when my exams are finally done..._

_Now...please be so kind and let me know what you think of this story by leaving me a little comment...it's much appreciated!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Well...here's Part 2 with Claire's answer to his question..._

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**Part 2**

I was shocked…had I really just heard correct? Had Alex really just asked me if I would consider sleeping with him? That couldn't be true…could it?

So I asked "What?" and I must have sounded even more shocked than I was because Alex went all defensive and started babbling.

"I'm sorry Claire…I…I shouldn't have asked you this…it was a stupid…stupid spur of the moment thing…forget I ever asked…"

He jumped up and practically ran towards the water where I saw him sit down at the shore and pull his knees under his chin again…sometimes he was really just a big baby…

But at least this gave me time to really think about what he had said…and as the shock about his question wore off I found myself really weighing the pros and cons of his suggestion.

I had to admit to myself that one of the reasons why I had never had sex before had simply been because I had been too shy to tell anybody that I had never done it…with Alex it was something different. I knew I could admit it to him and he wouldn't laugh at me…especially since he had already admitted he hadn't gone there either yet. So maybe this was my chance…I could have sex with somebody I truly trusted and get that stupid first time over and done with without having to feel I needed to know what I was doing…

On the other hand I didn't know if I really wanted to do this with Alex…my best mate. Of course I found him attractive, there was no denying he looked great and had a gorgeous body even if he was not even 17 yet…but I had never really had any sexual feelings towards him so far…he had always only been my best mate…so could this work? And more importantly…would the friendship we had now change because of that? Because that was something I just couldn't risk…besides Nick, who was far away at the moment, Alex was the only friend I had…if I lost him as well I wouldn't know what to do…

With all my thinking I realised that I wouldn't come to a conclusion all on my own…I needed to talk to Alex about it.

He was still sitting at the shore but had his legs stretched out now so his feet were dangling in the water…he looked a bit more relaxed than five minutes before when he had stormed off so I thought I'd take my chance…after all, all he could do was send me away again, right?

I slowly got up and made my way down to the water, silently sitting down next to him.

At first none of us said a word…I didn't know how to start and Alex…I don't know why. It was him that finally broke the silence though by asking "What do you want Claire?"

I sighed and looked at him "Can we talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" he snapped back at me without looking up "It was a mistake to ask you…the look on your face told me clearly what you think about it…so just forget it, will ya?"

Now I got angry…after all this had been his idea, now he could at least listen to me "Fine Alex…but maybe you should know that I was simply a bit surprised by that question…you never told me you feel anything like that for me…but if you don't even want to talk about it now…fine, I'll leave…"

I got up again and wanted to walk away but Alex got hold of my ankle and held me back.

Now it was me that asked him "What is it now, Alex?"

"I'm sorry Claire…" finally he looked up at me and his eyes were practically begging me to sit down again. But I needed to hear the words. He had started all this, I had made an offer to talk that he hadn't wanted…now it was his turn.

"Sit down please…maybe we should really talk about it…" he finally said and I lowered myself again with a big sigh…men were so strange!

"So?" I asked him after a few moments of awkward silence and he sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

I shook my head in frustration. "Why did you ask me Alex?"

"I don't know, honestly…like I said…spur of the moment thing…" he looked at our feet in the water. "I guess I thought…" he went silent again.

"What? I'm no mind reader Alex…you've got to tell me or I won't know…"

He sighed again…I could tell this really wasn't easy for him. "I thought maybe it would work if it was somebody I knew…"

"What's the difference?"

"Just that…with you I probably wouldn't be half as nervous as with Janet…I don't know…" He pulled his knees up again and mumbled "With you I'd know you won't laugh if I…can't…you know…"

I felt a smile make room on my face…Alex all weak and defensive…that was something I didn't get to see too often. I was one of the only persons who ever got to see it in the first place…but still it didn't happen often.

"Have you even thought about what this could do to our friendship, Alex? I mean…this could change everything…"

He looked at me surprised "You're actually thinking about this?"

I rolled my eyes "Of course I am…I never said no, did I?"

He smiled weakly "No, you didn't…but I thought…"

I grinned "Sometimes thinking isn't your strong side Alex Ryan…but be glad that I know that and do the thinking for you…"

"Oi!" he nudged me but I could see the smile on his face.

"What? I bet you hadn't thought about our friendship before you asked…"

He was quiet for a second before he admitted "No…I guess you know you're right there…" he paused again then looked down. "But why does it have to affect our friendship? It's not like we're in love, right? I mean…we could see it as a kind of…experiment…"

"Experiment?"

He was all excited now "Yeah…you know…kind of like a biology project…so we know what it's all about when they tell us that in biology class…"

"But I'm not going to school anymore…"

"Then see it as a…further education…"

I thought about it for a second…yeah…this could work. If we saw it as a project to further educate ourselves there wouldn't be any awkwardness afterwards…it would be a one time thing and then we'd know…no feelings, nothing. Yes, this could really work that way…

So I simply told Alex "Okay…" which got me a confused look.

"What?" he asked me and I told him again "I said okay…let's do it…"

His eyes got wide "Really?"

I shook my head and rolled my eyes…hadn't I just said so? "Of course…have you ever seen me say something I didn't mean?"

"No…but this is…wow…okay…then…let's do it…" he said and I saw the huge grin that appeared on his face.

I felt my heart starting to beat faster and faster…did he want to do it like…RIGHT NOW? That was not what I had meant…

"Err…Alex…I…I hope you know I didn't mean now…right in this instance…" I carefully told him and blushed a little. "I mean…I think…I think I need to digest that for a day or two…"

"Oh…ok…" I saw his face drop a little and actually felt a bit sorry for him…but I really couldn't just do it like that…I needed…preparation…and he needed that, too…

"I'm sorry…" I said and hoped our deal was still on.

"No, no…it's fine Claire…I guess…we need to work out some details first…"

I nodded "Yeah…I guess we should…" I thought for a second about what we needed to prepare…location, date, time…protection…

That reminded me of one of my earlier doubts "Err…Alex?" I asked him.

"What?"

"Are you sure you can…you know…get it up with me?" I felt my cheeks turn warm. This was not something I usually talked about…not even with my best mate. "I mean…you know…I'm not like all the other girls you go out with…you know…not as…equipped…"

Alex laughed "You're just right the way you are Claire…got that?"

"But you've never made any…you know…sexual comments about me…don't you have to…you know…find a woman…attractive…to…you know…"

"Get a hard on?" he chuckled at my babbling but shrugged his shoulders "Yeah I guess…but I never said I find you unattractive Claire…you're my best mate…I just never thought about it…" I felt his eyes on me as he looked up and down my body "But seeing you here in front of me…yeah…it should work…"

I was relieved…even though Alex was my best mate…he was still a man as well…and if I were to have sex with him I wanted at least that he thought I was attractive…

"Okay…" I said with a smile "If you're sure you can do this with me we're on…when and where?"

Alex thought for a moment "I guess I could talk Dad into letting me camp out with you some time next week…would that work? We could try and find a nice spot somewhere where nobody will find us…"

I sighed…I had actually thought my first time would at least happen in a bed if it was really as unpleasant as I had read it was…but maybe a swag would work as well…they were quite comfy…only what to do about the bleeding?

"Okay…" I told him "But I'll bring an old towel as well…"

"What for?" Right…Alex wasn't able to read my thoughts…

I smiled "Err Alex…you do know that I'll probably be bleeding a bit…"

"Oh…" his expression told me he hadn't really thought about that.

"Yeah oh…and you wouldn't want my Dad to know what happened…do you?"

Alex's eyes got wide…while Jack McLeod wasn't half as scary as his own Dad…I was still Jack's daughter and I really didn't want to think about what my Dad would be doing with Alex if he should ever find out what we were planning on doing…

"Alright…" Alex then said "You bring the towel…I'll bring the…condoms…I still have some from…you know…"

I smiled "Good…because I'm not on the pill and I don't think it would go down well with Dad if I asked him for it…"

"Right…condoms it is then…wow…this is…wow…we're really doing this, aren't we?"

"You're not backing out again, Alex…are you?"

"No…not at all…it's just…it feels a little strange…but it's also a good feeling…"

I laughed "I know what you mean…"

It was then I realised the sun was already starting to get lower in the sky and it was time for us to go back home. We sat next to each other in silence for a few more minutes before I got up with a sigh and offered Alex a hand.

"Come on Ryan…you shouldn't let your family wait too long today if you want to go out camping with me next week…we can't have Harry get in our way, can we?"

Alex took my hand and I pulled him up. "Nope…that wouldn't be good…"

We walked back to our blankets and dressed in silence…there was no need to change out of our bathing suits since they were dry again by now.

When we were done we packed the rest of the stuff together and walked over to where our horses were still happily eating grass.

Before we mounted Alex took my arm and said "Thank you Claire…this means…this means a lot to me…I'll…err…give you a call with the day and time, ok?"

I smiled "No worries Alex…it's not only for you…and I'll be waiting for your call…"

He called on Tuesday, setting the date for our project to Thursday the same week…and I could hear the nervousness in his voice with every word he was saying. If he was that nervous with me I can only imagine what it must have been like with Janet…he must have been close to going crazy!

But I had to admit to myself that the closer we got to Thursday, the more nervous I got myself. Not because it was Alex I would be sleeping with, that actually calmed me down again a little…no, it was the sheer thought of having sex that nearly made me go out of my mind.

Alex had told me to meet him at the dam as soon as I was finished with my chores for the day…which took incredibly long that day because my mind just wouldn't focus on work.

But when I was finally done, I didn't even bother to unsaddle my horse, I just rode up to the house, tied Lightning to one of the Veranda posts and ran up to my room to grab my bag and swag. As I came down again, I only shouted to Dad that I was leaving now and that I might be a bit late for work in the morning…but all he told me was to say hi to Alex and to have fun…if only he'd known…

This time it was me waiting for Alex by the dam and when he finally rode up we decided to look for a place a bit away from our obvious usual meeting points where we'd be a little more private. Thankfully me going out camping with Alex alone wasn't such an unusual thing, especially not since Nick's accident, so nobody had become suspicious when we had asked our parents if we could go.

We found a perfect spot for camping after riding around for a while, close to the river, trees and soft hills surrounding us…you could have almost thought we were alone in the world.

We had been silent most of the way, both of us way too nervous to speak about anything and now that we had found the perfect place for our "first time" all we spoke about was related to setting our camp up for the night and getting something to eat ready.

Alex made a fire for us while I rolled out our swags and put everything else in place. This time Meg had provided us with the food…all we needed to do was heat it up over the fire…which was about the cooking skills Alex and I had combined.

We ate in silence till Alex finally had enough and sighed in frustration "Claire…this is ridiculous! If we keep going on like that you can bet that nothing will happen later…we should talk about something else to get our minds off…you know…"

I nodded. Alex was right…it wouldn't work like that…

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, not really being able to come up with a topic that wouldn't lead to "the project"…

Alex sighed again and seemed to think. Then he simply said "Nick's coming home next week…"

I was surprised…usually Alex didn't really like to talk about his brother, it made his guilt well up every time he did. But I guessed that the fact that Nick would be coming home in a few days was bringing out the guilt even more…so maybe talking about him wouldn't hurt as much as it usually did.

"How long is he staying this time?" I asked my best mate, knowing that from the day Nick would arrive Alex would be a different person…even more closed to himself than he usually was.

I knew he loved Nick and missed him dearly and was looking forward to every time his little brother came home for a few days…and once Nick was on Killarney Alex was practically counting the days till he would leave again.

"Till the end of the holidays…" Alex said, staring out into the fire. The minute he had started talking about Nick our little project had slipped from both his and my mind.

"That long? What about rehab? Doesn't he have to go back at one point?" I asked a little surprised. The longest Nick had been home in the past year had been 10 days. Till the end of the summer holidays meant he'd be home for over a month.

"He's not going back to in-patient…he'll be going to school in Adelaide and can do the physio outpatient…Mum told me yesterday. Seems they can't do any more for him…"

I heard the bitterness in Alex's voice and knew he was once again blaming himself for what had happened to his little brother. So I moved closer to where Alex was sitting on the ground and put my arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to me.

We sat like that forever, holding each other tight, staring into the fire in silence. Slowly the sun went down and the first stars appeared above us…it looked like it would be a wonderfully clear night…and with the moon almost being full and the fire slowly burning down in front of us, the world around us was lit in a very special light. I don't think I'll ever forget what it looked like that night…I don't think I've ever seen something like that again.

As it got darker and darker it also got colder by the minute and since I was only dressed in a short t-shirt I started to shiver at one point despite Alex's warm body leaning against mine.

Alex must have felt it because after sitting still for what seemed like an eternity he moved again and whispered "You're cold…we should get into our swags…"

It almost seemed like he had forgotten all about our project and I didn't really want to remind him of it when his mind was on Nick…

We got up and pulled our swags a little closer to the fire, one next to the other. I wanted to put on the jumper I had brought but Alex stopped me in the middle of it and said "Claire…what about…you know…" he smiled and I could see he was a little nervous again "I don't think you'd want to wear a jumper when we're…having sex…"

I laughed. "Well…okay…" I said "I thought you had forgotten about it…you know…with Nick and all…"

Alex shook his head "How could I forget that? Wasn't it what we came out here for in the first place?"

I smiled "Yeah…we did…" I put my pullover aside and sat down on my swag, my arms wrapped around my body. I looked up at Alex "Does that mean you want to…start now?"

Alex smiled down at me "Yeah…I guess that means I want to start…"

I sighed nervously not really knowing what to do next. I knew the basics of course but so far I hadn't gone any further than kissing with any boy…and even that had been over a year now…I didn't even know if I had been any good.

Alex must have sensed my nervousness because he sat down on the swag beside me kissed me on my cheek "Don't worry Claire…I'm sure we'll both do fine…just relax, ok?"

I nodded and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down and then turned my head towards Alex asking with the firmest voice I could come up with "Ok…what do I have to do?"

Everything that happened after I had asked that to this day seems more like a film than something that really happened to me.

Alex started to gently kiss me temple whispering "Just relax…" while his lips moved down to my neck…in that moment I was really glad Alex had practiced a little with other women because he clearly knew what to do to make me feel good.

Today I can't really remember how we both got out of our clothes because the next thing that's clear in my mind is how Alex gently pushed me back onto my swag and started kissing my then naked body and caressing it with his hands. The coldness of the night was forgotten…I felt like I was on fire…nobody had ever touched me like that.

I blushed a little when I saw Alex's arousal in the light of the fire and was glad that my cheeks had been red before that…I had never seen an erect penis before.

At one point Alex reached out for his swag and pulled a small box out of it…the condoms. I lay there on my swag, totally exposed but all I could do was watch Alex as he opened one of the packages and struggled to put the small rubber item in place. I wanted to help him but since I didn't really know how and didn't know if he wanted me to touch him I took a few deep breaths.

The next thing I clearly remember is the pain I felt as Alex moved into me and him asking me if I was alright. I could only shake my head…the pain was almost too much…but then it was like I was adjusting to Alex in me and it got better.

We made love under the stars that first time and although I didn't get to the end that night it turned out to be such a wonderful experience that I couldn't wait to do it again…

And we did…we slept with each other three more times that summer holiday, telling each other we needed the practice so we were sure we'd still know what to do when we'd be together with somebody else. I guess for Alex it was not only that but also the comfort he needed when the guilt towards Nick overtook him.

By the end of the summer as the day got closer that Alex would have to leave for his new school the two brothers were finally almost as close again as they had been before the accident. I knew that Alex would always feel guilty but it looked like he was finally able to live with the guilt.

The Friday before Alex had to leave for school again we went out camping to our special place again and had our last "training session" for a while.

That night we decided that while we had both had fun with each other that summer we agreed that we didn't feel more than friendship for each other but we promised, that whenever one of us needed one of our training sessions and we both were single we would be there for each other…

And that was the way it stayed for many years…

Alex would have girlfriends and from time to time I would have a boyfriend as well…but whenever we were both alone we always turned to each other for a little distraction and fun together. It never meant anything…not really anyway. We always went back to being best friends who maybe were a little more comfortable around each other…but in all those years there were never really any deep feeling involved. At least that's what I thought back then.

But all that changed one day years later…the day my little sister came back to Drovers Run…

* * *

_Okay...so this is where the actual story begins. It's mainly set during late season one and the beginning of season two and along the way you will recognise many situations from the show...told a little differently. Enjoy! The next part should be up later this week..._


	3. Chapter 3

_And so the story goes on...hope you like it..._

* * *

**Part 3 **

If you ask me today what I felt on that very day I have to tell you…I don't know. Not because I can't remember…no, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that day…I don't know because I had so many feelings storming in on me that day that it's hard to separate one from the other. Joy, fear, insecurity…it all kind of blends together to something undefinable. All I now know is…I don't know what my life would be like now if that day had never happened…

The morning of that very day I had brought some cattle in that were supposed to be sold the next day. My Dad had just died two months before that and for the first time ever in my life I really had to make decisions on my own without the help of my father in the background.

I can remember so many times in those two months and even later on when I walked into his study wanting some advice from him…but he wasn't there. I still get a bit sad when I think about him and all the things that happened in my life and that he didn't get to see…but today I'm grateful for all the good times we had rather than be sad about what might have been.

I had just had lunch and was sitting at the table in the dining room alone, trying to solve a crossword puzzle without my Dad's help when I heard a car pull up in front of the house.  
That alone seemed so strange to me that I got up and looked out the window only to see a blonde woman get out of her funny looking orange car...I hadn't ever seen a Beetle out here.

I sighed…she looked like another one of those real estate people that had gotten on my nerves ever since my father had died. And really…only half a minute later I heard a loud knock on the front door.

I felt my blood boiling up like it always did when something like that happened…those people just didn't want to learn. Of course the front door was stuck like always so I had to go round the side of the house to pick my unwelcome guest up at the door…not that I was really looking forward to it but maybe we could settle this now, once and for all.

But when I got to the front door, the woman had already pushed the door open as far as it went and was halfway inside the house.

"Hello?" I shouted angrily and put my hands in my hips…those people were getting bolder every time they came around!

The woman in the doorway turned around and when I looked at her for the first time close up there was something very familiar about her…I just couldn't point my finger to it. So you can imagine my surprise and confusion when the blonde woman before me suddenly said my name. Who was that person? How did she know my name? Where did I know her from?

And then she said the magic words "It's me…Tess…"

It suddenly hit me like a bucket of ice cold water…that was…but it couldn't be…God how long had I been waiting to hear those words…and I knew why she was so familiar…

"You look like your mother…" I told her and she smiled at me and said "Hi…"

I was absolutely shocked. I had been waiting for this day for almost twenty years…and now that it was here I didn't know how to handle all this…why was she here?

Tess walked up to me with open arms as if she wanted to hug me…but I just couldn't bring myself to return the gesture…I guess I was too afraid.

So I was glad when Tess suggested we go inside and then followed her through the half open front door into the house and watched her as she took in the surroundings. When she mentioned the fact that she owned half of the house now as it had been stated in our father's will my heart sank…so that's what she was here for…and all of a sudden I was just as afraid as I had been the day I found my father lying dead by the old cottage…

I saw her gaze wander over the pictures on the wall…most of them of either me or Dad on our horses at some competition…  
Tess kept on talking and talking but I didn't really listen to what she was saying…until she walked up to Dad's study and asked me "This was Jack's room, wasn't it?"

Somehow I didn't want her to go in there, I don't know why…it just didn't feel right to me. So I asked her if she wanted something to drink and we went into the kitchen just as Meg walked in through the laundry.

Other than me Meg knew right away who stood there in front of her…and even Tess remembered the housekeeper although she had only been a little girl the last time she had seen her.  
I saw them hug and felt like an outsider as I was standing there with my glass of water.

Meg's question about Tess's mother brought out the truth that Ruth had died only a week before our father…and as much as I had hated Ruth all those years for leaving with my beloved little sister…now I felt sad that she was gone as well.

Tess overplayed the upcoming awkwardness by just keeping on talking…which got me more and more in defence…even more so when she went on about how she had only gotten the letter from the solicitor now because she had moved around after her mother had died. I tried to listen but it all seemed a bit unreal to me…until Tess said "I guess we need to talk about what we're gonna do with the property…"

I couldn't take it anymore then…I had to get out of there. So without even commenting on what Tess had said I just told her I needed to get back to work and walked out of the kitchen…this was just too much for me.

I had waited for so long for Tess to come home and now she was here and all she wanted was to take Drovers away from me…

My mind was too occupied with Tess I guess to notice that the hands were definitely up to something that wasn't good…but I would only find that out the next day.

Once I had finally gotten them back to work we were drafting the cattle together…until Alex made one of his spectacular appearances in his by then favourite toy…Harry's chopper.

Like always I was glad to see him…he had been a great help after Jack's death, always being there for me when I needed someone to talk to or someone to comfort me. Our little practice encounters had gotten fewer in the past year, mostly because Alex hadn't been without a girlfriend for quite a while but only a week after Jack's death Alex had been single again and was all mine. I guess I never realised back then how much I really depended on him…not work wise but emotionally. I don't think I could have made it through the time after Dad's death without him.

The moment I saw him land the chopper, Tess was momentarily forgotten and he and I joked about who would top the cattle sale the next day, he or I. We always bet on who'd get the top price…and I was sure this time I'd win. My cattle looked good and they'd make a huge profit…

Everything was like it always was…until Tess walked up to us and I saw the look on Alex's face as he spotted my sister for the first time…I guess that was the first time ever I felt real jealousy when it came to Alex…only I have to admit I didn't realise it back then.

Alex's eyes were almost popping out of his head when he looked at Tess coming closer…and suddenly I regret that I had never told him about her. When I had first met Alex, Tess and Ruth had only been gone for a few weeks and it had just hurt too much to talk about her back then. The pain got less over time but I feared that if I ever talked about Tess it might come back so I never did…and that was why Alex hadn't known till that very day that I had a sister.

I saw how the two were flirting with each other and when I had enough of that I changed the subject to the cattle sale again and pulled Alex away from Tess.

He was so clearly interested in her…and for the first time in my life I really honestly had a problem with Alex looking at another woman…and his comment that Tess was a woman and I was just Claire didn't really make it better. I knew we had always said that having sex together wouldn't change anything about our friendship and for Alex that really seemed to be true…but somehow things had changed for me…although I didn't know it that very moment…all I knew was that I didn't want Alex near Tess…

When Alex was gone again I was relieved…though I still didn't know what to do with Tess…

I asked Meg for help and before I knew it Tess was with us and Meg invited her to stay for the night…in my name. It was what I had hoped for secretly despite all and Meg must have sensed that and asked for me…because she knew just as well as I did that I probably wouldn't have come up with the courage to ask Tess myself.

So…Tess stayed and never left again till she moved to Wilgul after she got married…but I didn't know that then of course. Back then I only knew that Tess wanted to talk about what to do with Drovers.

For dinner that night, she and I were alone in the dining room and after some meaningless small talk and a small fight about Jack and Ruth we ate in silence…till Tess started on the topic again of what we wanted to do about Drovers.

For me there was only one option…this was my home, the heritage of my family, the land I had been working on all my life…I had worked hard to keep Drovers alive after Dad's death but so far I had managed despite what everybody else had predicted…and I needed to keep on doing so…for Dad…for the McLeods…

Tess's options sounded reasonable…for an outsider. But from the very minute she told me that she wanted me to buy her out I knew that I wasn't in the state to do so…and probably wouldn't ever be…buying Tess out would mean I would lose Drovers altogether…and that made my blood boil up again…it looked like Tess was no different from all the other people that had come and wanted my home…only she really had the right to according to Dad's will…

I had hated my father when I had found out he had left Drovers to me and Tess equally…what had she done for the property in the past 20 years? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! So how could she come now and want half of it when she didn't even know what it meant in the first place! And that was exactly what I told her…or rather threw at her. My emotions were getting the better of me…fear about maybe losing Drovers, anger at my Dad for putting me in this position in the first place, incredible sadness that my father wasn't around anymore…when I wasn't able to hold my tears back anymore I stormed off, straight into my room and threw the door shut behind me with a loud thud.

I don't really remember now why I did it…probably because I wanted to prove to Tess that this was my house now…but that was the first night I slept in my father's room. It had been untouched since the day he had died because I just hadn't been able to come up with the courage to go in there. But that night it was like I had to prove to myself that I could do it if I wanted to make clear that this was mine and mine alone…

But once I was inside the room everything reminded me of Jack…his smell was still all over the place and all of a sudden I saw it all in front of me again…our last words spoken in anger…how he had ridden away and how I had found him by the old cottage…dead.

And then I felt alone…as alone as I had never felt before in my life. I was here in my Dad's room…alone and afraid that somebody might take that away from me…all my memories were in this place…the good and the bad. I had never lived anywhere else but here…and now Tess had come back like I had hoped for so many years but all she did was threaten my home…

I put the things I had brought from my own room on Dad's bed and looked out the window just in time to see Tess walk away from the house. As if to proof to myself that this was my room now I pulled the covers of the bed back and adjusted the pillows…and found one of Dad's hankies. I couldn't help but pick it up and inhale the well known scent of my father…but that was too much for me. I felt the tears burning in my eyes as I re-adjusted the bed before I took my things and rushed to the chair at the end of the room…I couldn't do this…this was Dad's room…not mine…

My look fell on the picture that I had unconsciously packed before I had come in here…the picture that had been resting beside my bed ever since the day Tess had left me…the picture that had kept me going through times when I couldn't go on…the picture of two innocent little girls that had no idea what was about to happen to them…me and Tess…that was the girl I had wanted back all those years. The baby sister that I adored…not the woman that I didn't know and that was now threatening my home…

I fell asleep in that chair at one point…and woke up in the middle of the night with a stiff neck and a headache. Now I didn't care that I was in Dad's room…all I wanted was sleep…which I did till Meg woke me up the next morning telling me the cattle was loose.

As it turned out later, during her walk Tess had forgotten to close the gate behind herself properly and now the cattle that I had wanted to sell that day was scattered all over the property again.

I was furious…but little did I know that by letting the cattle out Tess had done me one of the biggest favours ever…or I would have never found out my hands were stealing fuel off me…and probably had done for a while.

In the end I had no other choice but to fire them all…but the minute I did so I knew I was stuffed…how would I be able to run Drovers now? All alone? No way!

But now it seems like all that was just a great big plan…  
Because I couldn't make the sale that day it was clear even to Tess that there was no way I could pay her out at that time…so she stayed…at first she only wanted to stay till we could sort everything out…but thankfully that turned out to be longer than we both thought.

Of course Tess and I had our fair share of difficulties and misunderstandings between us…but somehow we always managed to pull it together in the end and work for the same cause…to keep Drovers alive.

Over the next few weeks all inhabitants of Drovers Run slowly grew closer together. We all slowly got used to having Tess around and Tess tried to fit in as much as possible. She was quite a fast learner for somebody who had last been on a farm at the young age of only five years and it didn't take long till Tess started being a real help to have around…even more help than our beloved Jodi…and she grew up on Drovers Run.

Today Jodi's a worker I really honestly don't want to miss…but back then she was more a curse than a real blessing. Tess on the other hand tried to do everything she could…despite the fact she wasn't really a morning person as she had claimed and was afraid of big animals…but she kept on trying and that impressed me more than once over the years…

And our Drovers family grew…not long after Tess had come home I offered Becky Howard a job after she had been fired from her job at the Gungellan Pub and raped by somebody she wouldn't tell us at that point. Becky is about the hardest worker I've ever seen…never says no to a job no matter how dirty it is. With Meg helping us as well we were five women working the farm from then on…and it worked out…we got Drovers back up and running…despite what the people in town had said about us…we made it.

The longer Tess stayed around, the more it felt to me again like she was really my sister…like she was the baby sister I had missed for all those years we'd been separated. And I slowly started to trust her. At the beginning I was always afraid that she'd pack up her things any minute now and leave again, asking me for the money half our property was worth…but the longer she stayed and the less she spoke about leaving the more confident I got that maybe it was a good thing having her around.

And I have to admit life sure is a lot more interesting around here ever since Tess showed up…all of a sudden we had strange kitchen equipment like cappuccino machines around…who were later traded for Madonna, the dairy cow. Some of Tess's wild ideas are just that…wild…but some are actually quite acceptable…if you look at them for a while. But I'm getting ahead of time…all in all you could say life on Drovers settled down…and Tess somehow fitted in.

The more time passed the closer she and I got…maybe because of the heritage we both shared or our past together…I don't know. But our sisterly moments got more and more with time and she and I found a true connection despite our completely different views on life.

I think the first moment where she and I were really acting like sisters again was the day Tess climbed the windmill…we had had two rough days where I have to admit I haven't always treated Tess the best…and also know that she probably only climbed that windmill to prove something to me…but in the end I didn't care what her motives were for going up in the first place, when I saw her up there, scared and not able to come down I didn't think anymore…all I wanted to do was get my sister down from there. In the end we fell the last bit of the way together…me never letting go of her hand like I had promised her so many times when we were kids…yes, that was the first time I really felt like Tess was my sister.

I found proof in that the day I had to put Dad's horse down…I had walked Sirocco all the way to the old cottage where Dad had died…I can't really remember much of that part of the day…all I know now is that Tess was there to bring me home and comfort me…like any good sister would have done.

Of course things weren't always easy…there was more than one time when I felt jealous of Tess for who she was and for how she lived her life…and instead of telling her that I simply let it out on her…I guess people are right when they tell me I'm not really the best at handling my own feelings and fears…but I've gotten over time.

Most of those jealousy attacks I had had either to do with her and Dad…or with her and Alex. I can still remember the day we had that stupid fight when Tess's new coffee machine blew out our house…Tess ran away shouting something about coffee and I don't know how but somehow my little sister ended up spending the day and evening on Killarney…leaving me all alone in the house.

It was the first time I actually missed her company…I had gotten so used to having her around I guess that the silence was somehow strange to me…of course I didn't tell anybody that since I was usually going on and on about how Tess's constant chatter got on my nerves…

That night it also got apparent to me how much closer Tess and Alex had gotten in the short time she was here…

What had started as a simple, harmless flirt the day she had arrived, grew into heavier flirting and finally…a kiss…that very night.

I had watched it all…very suspicious. Alex was his usual self when he was trying to claim a new girl…no difference to any other girl before Tess…but somehow it bothered me more this time than it usually did. He and I still did our usual teasing and winding each other up…but the closeness we had shared right after Dad's death somehow disappeared when Tess showed up and Alex and I were back to what we had always been…best mates. But for me something had begun to change…which became more and more obvious the closer Tess and Alex got with each other.

That night when Alex brought Tess home from Killarney I had just gone into Tess's room out of curiosity or need to be close to her…I don't know…when I heard the familiar sound of his Ute stopping in front of our house. So I quickly ran into my room and just couldn't help but look out the window…only to see my best friend kiss my sister. Something inside me just broke at the sight and all of a sudden I had feelings I had never known before and that I didn't want. What Alex and I had had all those years had been good…uncomplicated. So why was I all of a sudden feeling jealous?

Because Tess was my sister and it now looked like Alex was choosing my sister over me…I remember crying myself to sleep that night without even knowing why…and I was probably a little harsher towards Tess the next day than I should have been when she told me she had talked about our overdraft with the Ryans…

It ended with Tess going through the books and finding cards Dad had sent for her birthday and Christmas…and me getting even more jealous of her because I had never gotten such a card from Dad…

But we came to terms again…it seemed the longer Tess and I lived together the easier we got over our fights…

I don't really know if either her or Alex sensed anything but it seemed that after the kiss the two had shared the flirting got a bit less and Alex started spending more time with me again. When Tess and I lost Dad's desk to Harry over a bloody boundary fence it was Alex that picked me up again…and after a fight he had had with his brother over Nick's rodeo accident it was me that picked him up…it felt like we were back on track.

So it took me really by surprise when Alex suddenly showed a very obvious interest in Tess again at Jodi's birthday party…I don't know what they did while they spent almost an hour outside that night…but the combination of jealousy and just a little too much alcohol awoke the sudden interest in me to make Alex just as jealous as I was…by kissing his brother Nick. Only when I saw it didn't have the desired effect on Alex I realised what exactly I had just done and as angry with myself as I was I ran away…

After that I didn't really know where Alex and I were standing with each other…one minute he cared for me, the next he was after my sister's skirt…I got more and more confused about my own feelings towards Alex so that I even considered for a minute or two to actually go after Dad and Harry's old plan to marry Nick.

But kissing him just didn't have the same effect on me as kissing Alex…something was missing…and I knew then that Nick and I would have never worked out…and I realised that all through the years I had slept with Alex when I had thought there were no feelings involved…they had actually always been there. Maybe not at the very beginning…but shortly after for sure…

But what could I do? Alex and I had always promised we'd never get in the other's way if one of us was looking for another relationship…which Alex clearly was at the moment. And what added up even more was the fact that Tess really seemed to enjoy the time she spent with him…plus it looked like a good way to make her stay on a more permanent basis than just the six months she had offered to help pay the overdraft down.

There was really nothing I could do but to let those two have their way with each other…

But I wanted one last time with Alex…I had told myself that Alex would probably never feel about me the way I felt about him so I had come to the decision that after this last time there would be no more "practice"…we were getting too old for that excuse anyway. It would be even harder for me to let him go than it had been years ago…but I knew if I ever wanted to move on with my life I needed to do this.

So when Alex and I were set to go to a seminar together about artificial insemination on horses where we'd have to spend the night in Fisher I knew that was the prefect time for our last time…nobody would find out…

So I made plans in my head of what I wanted to tell him…and sooner than I had thought the day arrived…little did I know that this was about to change my life even more than Tess's arrival had…

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_So...this is it for today, hope you enjoyed it...if you want to know more...check back for the next part..._


	4. Chapter 4

_Well...here's Part 4...Hope you enjoy it!_

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**Part 4**

When the day of the AI seminar had come it sure surprised me a bit that I wasn't really nervous all that much. I knew I'd have fun with Alex no matter what and our little practice sessions had never been a real problem to set up…one word of one of us and we usually had our "meeting" within the next two days after that. It's really a miracle nobody ever found out about it throughout the years. So I didn't really have to be nervous.

Just the weekend before I had thought about how I wanted to do something for Tess to show her she really was part of Drovers now…and after some fruitless hours of going through stuff on the internet it was Tess herself that got me the ideas for her surprise…

Monday morning she was once again complaining about how the old boots that one of our hands had left behind and that she had been working in ever since she came back were starting to fall apart and didn't even fit right and that it was a sheer miracle she hadn't died of infected blisters yet.

So that was it…I would buy Tess her very own work boots in the right size. At first I thought I could bring them home from Fisher myself when I would be there Wednesday and Thursday…but then decided against it. I wanted to leave Tess in charge of Drovers for the two days since there was not much to do…and figured it might give her a better feeling if she had her boots then…new job, new boots.

So I put in an express order at the shop in Fisher after checking for Tess's shoe size and they promised me I'd have the boots Wednesday the latest. And true to their word Bob really brought a huge box for Tess that morning just before I had to leave for Fisher…I guess with all the worrying if the boots would arrive on time I forgot to pack the condoms that I had bought for the occasion of my last time with Alex the week before and that I hid in the drawer of the bedside table in my old room…

Shortly after Bob had arrived and Tess had been over the moon about her new boots Alex showed up as well to pick me up so we could get on our way to Fisher.

So I reminded Tess once again to take it easy before I grabbed my suitcase and hurried out the door before Alex could toot the horn again…

The minute I climbed into Alex's Ute my nerves somehow suddenly decided to play up on me because my heart started beating like hell and my hands started shaking.

'Jeez McLeod…get a grip…' I told myself 'This is only Alex…your old mate Alex…' but in my heart I knew he wasn't just that anymore…there was much more to it and I wondered how I would survive this time in the car now and the two days ahead of us…it sure wouldn't be easy…

The drive to Fisher always took about three hours…and as usual he and I were fighting over the music. I would have preferred the radio or something soothing to calm my nerves down but Alex had one of his CDs playing…and sitting in the car I felt like I had somehow been transferred to a rock concert and was standing right next to the speakers. If this would have gone one like that I would have been deaf and probably have died of a heart attack by the time we were in Fisher!

But Alex claimed driver's choice for music…something I had come up with years ago so I could play the music I wanted since it was normally me driving…so I couldn't really do anything against it.

Thankfully Alex must have had one cup of coffee too many that morning and had to stop for a wee about half way to Fisher. That was my chance…I quickly swapped CDs for one of Tess's she had borrowed me for the days away along with her portable CD player and while Alex was reminding me of driver's choice again I jumped out of the car and ran to the driver's side…luckily Alex hadn't quite finished his wee yet so I had just enough time to slip inside the car again till he had put everything back in place and had run up to me…this just worked every time…still does!

We made it to Fisher with only a minimum of complaining from Alex's side…after I had told him the music was Tess's he had sighed and we had actually talked about our usual topics and teased each other like nothing had changed…and finally my nerves settled down as well.

So when we finally arrived in Fisher a little later than we probably would have with Alex driving he leaned over to have a look at the clock behind the steering wheel.

"I thought you liked to be on time Claire…wouldn't have happened if you'd let me drive…" Alex said with a smirk and I couldn't help but slap him for that comment.

"Shut up Ryan…still plenty of time…" I told him and added "And we wouldn't be so late now if you hadn't had to go for a wee…I thought it was women who were supposed to not be able to hold it…"

I had a quick look in the rear view mirror so see if I could get in the free space at the car park before I grinned at Alex…he hadn't replied to my comment which meant he was still thinking and I had won that argument…

Since the space had been free at the time I looked I reversed…and then heard a loud bang as I hit something…

'This can't be true…' I thought and got out of the Ute to see what I had actually hit…and was insulted right away by what probably was the driver of the car which's door it seemed to have hit.

Now…I know I'm not always the person to think first before I speak but I try…and being jumped upon right away before I could even say I'm sorry just got me started…especially since Alex seemed to agree with him…so me and the bloke got into a quite heated argument about whose fault this was with Alex giving very wise comments that didn't help a single bit…till I finally had enough and only wanted to get inside. So I gave him my contact details so he could send me the bill for the repair of the car…

'What a knob…' I thought as I was finally able to park the Ute correctly and go inside…still fuming over the stupid bugger…

The seminar was supposed to start in twenty minutes and we still needed to sign up and get our documents for the two days but thankfully it didn't take long so we still had time to get good seats. I still hadn't calmed down completely and I was mad at Alex too…if I hadn't been I might have caved in on his wish to sit at the back…but like this I walked straight up to the front to get back at him a bit for not sticking up for me in front of that knob…I knew how much he hated being in the first row with no chance of sneaking out.

As I sat down with a smirk on my face I turned around and asked Alex if he had seen the idiot yet…only to see the very man standing at the front speaking to us when I turned back around…I don't think the look on my face was very intelligent and I actually felt a bit embarrassed…and annoyed…if the seminar went on like this I would really be dead by tomorrow…and if Alex went on like he did I would have no desire whatsoever to jump in bed with him later…which would ruin my plans as well…

Thankfully I got help from a very unexpected source…the knob Mr Johnson himself…

What Mr Johnson was saying in his lecture wasn't always all that catching…and Alex being his usual self got bored after a while and started making fun of the things Mr Johnson was talking about…and I dove right in on the fun…way better than having to keep listening to that idiots narcissistic talk up front.

Of course he noticed us joking around and me being MY true self I just had to voice my concerns about what he had been talking about…and we of course got into another discussion…which this time ended with him asking "Maybe if you and your husband liked some more guidance…"

At first I was stunned…how could he think Alex and I were an item? He really was an idiot!

But then Alex once again played along with the knob's accusations and even went as far as calling me his sweetheart…and as much as that got on my nerves again at first, it also got me an idea…maybe it would be a good idea if he really thought Alex was my husband…maybe he would leave me alone then…

So when a tea break was announced I grabbed Alex's arm and dragged him away with me before he could do anything else. He had started in the direction of the knob…

"What's up with you Claire?" Alex asked angrily.

"Sweetheart?" was all I asked him with a raised eyebrow…Alex would know what I was up to…

He grinned "Don't you like it?"

"Why should I?" I asked "So far you've only helped that idiot insulting me! If you really were my husband I'd make sure you sleep on the couch tonight!"

Alex sighed "It was only fun Claire…"

"But that fun hurt me! I've already got to pay his stupid repair when it wasn't entirely my fault I hit his car in the first place! I don't need you ganging up with him!" I hadn't meant to become as loud as I had…but a look on Mr Johnson's satisfied face told me had heard at least the last part of the last sentence. So I pulled Alex a little further away as he sighed and said "I'm sorry Claire…won't happen again, alright?"

I smiled "I know it won't happen again…wanna know why?"

We had reached the far end of the room where I was sure nobody would hear us. Alex looked at me like I was about to hit him or something and mumbled "I'm not sure I want to know…"  
I laughed and went forward with my plan…I put my hands on his chest and got on my toes so I could whisper in his ear, my breath brushing the sensitive spot at his pulse point for only a split second.

"I will tell you anyway…" I whispered "You my…dear mate…will live up to what you've started here…"

I got down and looked Alex in the face, grinning from ear to ear…he seemed confused so I turned to his ear again "You'll be my husband from now on…and will act upon it…"

Satisfied I noticed that Alex looked a bit annoyed now and rolled his eyes…he deserved a little punishment…

"And what exactly do you want me to do?" he hissed at me and I smiled "First you can get me a cup of coffee…then I'll see…but most importantly…no insulting and keep that idiot away from me!"

"You're a spoil sport Claire…I was only joking!"

"Well…I didn't think it was funny so it's time to stop that now…and besides…we haven't played husband and wife in a while…it'll be fun!"

Alex looked at me a bit sceptical but then smiled as well. "We had fun last time, didn't we?" he asked with a grin and I nodded still smiling. "We sure did…no go and get me that coffee…"

I turned him around with a little force and pushed him in the direction of the coffee table while I went and had a look at the equipment you needed in order to perform artificial insemination on a horse…looked much like over dimensional gyn stuff!

I laughed as I turned to Alex who was coming back with my coffee…this husband-wife thing really had its benefits…the last time we had done it was a few years back…and it had been just as much fun.

We had been on our way back from a rodeo when a huge thunderstorm surprised us and we had to go look for a place to spend the night…and all we could find available was a small pension led by a nice old lady. She had one more room left…but with her old morals would only give it to us if we were married…after all she couldn't have an unmarried couple spend the night together in one room…

Thankfully Alex was his usual quick witted self after the old lady had told us and assured her we were indeed married and very happy…which got us the room and a really nice evening with the old lady…acting as we were married. True to our roles we had a lot more fun later that night when we were alone…so yes, pretending to be married to Alex had its good sides…only question was…would my heart survive if I had to stop with it tomorrow and let him go forever?

I didn't know…but I would be enjoying the last of the time I had…pretending what might have been if Alex only felt the same way I had found out I did…

"Everything alright?" he asked me as he handed me my coffee and all I could do was nod…I was sure if I had said something that very moment I would have given away my true feelings…so I only took the coffee off Alex and kissed him on the cheek as a thank you.

Thankfully the rest of the day went without much more embarrassing moments…although I did insult Mr Johnson one more time because I couldn't help myself…and didn't know the man was standing right behind me…which I only noticed when he spoke up to me. I wished the floor would open right then and there so I could sink in it and was only waiting for my so called husband's remark on that…but this time Alex didn't make fun of me…instead he pulled me closer to him and whispered in my ear "You're right honey…he is a knob…" a little louder than necessary and the look on Mr Johnson's face told me he'd heard it.

I couldn't help but chuckle…not only because Alex's reply had been funny…but also to cover what Alex's hand on my hips was doing to me…

I was glad this time when we were able to sit down again and listen to the boring lecture that was about to come…at least I could settle my heartbeat then.

When the first day of the seminar was finally over, Alex and I drove to our hotel to claim our rooms…only to discover that there had been a mix up in reservations and Alex's room had already gone to somebody else.

"I guess we'll have to spend the night together then…" I told him with a wink…it would make my task easier, that was for sure.

Alex smiled back at me and bent down to whisper in my ear "Why Claire…you got anything special in mind?"

I laughed and said "I wouldn't mind a little training session…" ignoring my heart that was beating like crazy again while I was anxiously waiting for his answer…which came in form of a knowing grin and another whisper "A little desperate…are we?"

I couldn't help but hit him…that was not what I had wanted to hear…but thankfully he mumbled "I didn't say no, did I?"

I rolled my eyes and was glad that Alex had finally gotten our key and we could go up to our room…only to bump into the knob himself again as we rounded the corner…Mr Johnson.

"What a surprise…" the man mumbled "If that's not my most favourite couple…" before he stormed off…into the room next to ours.

'Great…' I thought 'Just what I needed…' and the look on Alex's face told me he was thinking the same.

"Let's go inside…" I told him "I've had enough for today…" and I really had. At that moment I didn't even really care much that Alex was standing right behind me and then brushing my body as he went to unlock our door…all I wanted at that moment was to close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else…

As we claimed our room I dropped my suitcase right behind the door and dropped myself face first on the bed closing my eyes…all the tension I had felt because of being so close to Alex all day with an idiot constantly insulting me was catching up on me…I was tired…really tired…and before I knew it I was fast asleep…so much to my plan.

When I woke up again the whole room was filled with a smell that made my stomach grumble…pizza!

I turned my head to maybe find something that would tell me how late it was…when I heard Alex's voice from somewhere in the room "Oh…look who's awake again…you hungry?"

"What time is it?" I mumbled since I hadn't found a clock yet.

"Almost nine…you slept over an hour Claire…" Alex told me a little amused and then filled his mouth with pizza again because the next thing came out a little muffled "I got you something to eat…come and have a bite…you need to strengthen up for our training session later on…"

I chuckled…yeah…I would need the strength and so would he…Since this was the last time I wanted to enjoy it as long as I possibly could…

So I got up and sat down next to Alex and we ate while joking about the events of the day and I was thankful that my nerves hadn't come back yet…this was just like the very first time we had done this…

After dinner Alex claimed he wanted to have a shower so he took his things into the small attached bathroom while I put the pizza boxes away and started unpacking my suitcase…only the very necessary things since we would be gone again tomorrow but still…and that's when I noticed I hadn't packed the condoms I had bought.

'Bugger!' I thought…this was just about the worst day of my life. But then I decided that if Alex didn't have any condoms on him we would just have to do it without…after all it wouldn't be the first time. So far nothing had ever happened and Alex hadn't had any other girls but me in the last 6 months…which was quite a record…so I was fairly sure I didn't need to worry about health…I needed this tonight…

When Alex came out of the shower he was only dressed in his boxers…and if I hadn't desperately needed a shower myself I think I would have jumped him right then and there…I had always known he had a great body…but now that I knew what I was feeling for him it got to me more than I would have ever thought possible…probably because I knew exactly what was UNDER these boxers…

With a sigh I grabbed my own things and quickly claimed the bathroom myself before Alex guessed what was going on in my head…maybe a cold shower would set my thoughts straight again…

For my last night with Alex, I had decided I wanted to wear something special…not my usual flannel pyjamas…so I had packed about the only night gown I owned that was not cotton…a slip made of black silk that ended about the middle of my thighs…not really appropriate night wear for this time of year but for once I wanted Alex to look at me like I was the woman he really wanted…and I knew this slip would have the desired effect…

So once I was showered and my hair was dry I slipped the nightgown over my head and decided against undies…I would only take them off anyway…and looked at myself in the mirror. Yes…that was looking good…the night could start!

Satisfied with myself I gathered my things and opened the door…and there was my nervousness again!

I walked into the room with a beating heart and dropped my stuff on one of the chairs at the small table in the corner. Alex was sitting on the bed still only dressed in his boxers surfing through the channels of the telly obviously looking for something he could watch.

I saw him look up briefly in my direction when he heard me walk in…and was pleased to find that he looked again after he had seen what I was wearing…

"Wow Claire…you really had a one track mind for tonight, didn't you?" I could feel his eyes on me even though I had my back turned to him "I never knew you own such nice night wear…"

I smiled "Like what you see, Ryan?" I asked him and turned to look at him…and saw what I had hoped for…he wanted me, I could see it in his eyes…and my heart skipped a beat when he said "I've told you before that you are a beautiful woman Claire…" he smiled "Maybe if you wore things like these more often…"

He left the sentence open…we had had that discussion before. Since our first time together Alex had always tried to convince me that I needed to wear girly clothes more often because it suited me…but I had never given in…the only time I ever wore a dress was for the annual Miss Gungellan Quest and the B&S ball…and only because it was required. I just didn't feel comfy in those clothes…so tonight was an exception and Alex knew it…

I slowly walked over to the bed and sat down beside him "You don't look too bad tonight yourself Mr Ryan…" I told him with a smile and before I knew it Alex had grabbed me and was kissing me hard mumbling against my lips "You trying to drive me crazy today, aren't you?"

I couldn't answer because my feelings overtook me…I had never felt that way before when Alex had kissed me…hell, I had never felt like that before full stop!

My stomach felt like there were thousands of butterflies inside and my lips and breasts were tingling with desire…who knew this could be so different when you were in love…

Alex and I slipped deeper onto the bed which caused my slip to move up a bit till almost all of my thigh was uncovered. I pressed my body closer to Alex stroking his back while I felt his hands go to my backside as well as his lips moving away from mine down the side of my neck.

"Naughty…" he mumbled against my skin when he touched my bare bottom and realised there weren't any undies in the way and I couldn't help but smile as I felt the effect of that press against my stomach…yes…tonight I wanted to be naughty for once in my life…

It didn't take long after that till both my slip and Alex's boxers landed on the floor beside the bed and I could finally touch him without the barrier of the interfering material between us…  
I was satisfied to hear him moan against my lips as his hands moved between my legs to caress me there…Alex knew exactly what I liked and needed…he always had.

As our breathing got heavier and we got closer to the point of no return, Alex moved over me and whispered against my lips "Condom…"

Not being able to give him an explanation in my current state of arousal I only replied "Don't bother…" which came out more as a sigh…I had told him that before and only the first time he had stopped to ask if I really meant that…after that he trusted me that it really was alright…and so he did that day as well…

With a smile Alex parted my legs further and before I knew it he had slipped into me and we were moving in the age old rhythm of lovers till we found our way to the peak together…  
Afterwards we lay next to each other…exhausted and satisfied…  
We had slipped under the covers of the bed and I lay snuggled up against Alex's bare chest, his arm holding my body close to his.

In this moment I was happy…I for my part can tell that our lovemaking had just by far been the most intensive feeling I had ever had…and I didn't want to think about that it was to be over now…this night was my night…all night!

So once our breathing had returned to a fairly normal level I found my hand travelling southwards again…which got me a chuckle from Alex, followed by a kiss on the hair and a whisper "You really DO need it tonight, eh?"

But after that I didn't hear him complain again till we finally fell asleep as the night already started to turn into day…in each other's arms oblivious to the fact that this night would change both Alex's and my life forever...

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_So...who can guess what will happen next? Leave me a review and let me know!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Okay...on with Part 5..._

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**Part 5**

A few hours later I woke up to the phone on the bedside table ringing annoyingly loud. Before I could even open my eyes properly Alex had picked it up and I heard him mumble "Yeah? Oh…good morning…thanks for the call…" before he hung up again and sighed while pulling the covers up again over us that had slipped down during the night.

"That was our wake up call…" he told me and yawned as I snuggled up closer to him…this was my last morning in Alex's arms…

My body was still tingling in all the right places from our intensive lovemaking all through the night and I was not quite ready to let him go…though I knew I needed to talk to him…tell him that this wouldn't happen again ever…

At the thought of that I felt sadness take over my whole thinking and I had to fight hard to hold back the tears that were burning in my eyes.

When I had regained my composure enough to not break down in tears any second I took a deep breath and said "Alex…can I talk to you for a sec before we have to get up?"

I felt his body stiffen a bit beside me and his arm pulling me closer to him so my naked breasts were resting on his chests again…and I felt desire for Alex rise up in me again. Maybe having this talk both wearing nothing at all wasn't the best idea…but I had started already and I wasn't sure if I'd find the courage again later if I stopped now…

"Everything alright Claire?" Alex asked me a little worried and I could feel his hand roaming up and down my back…jeez this was hard…

"Yeah…I'm fine…" I told him hoping to sound convincing "It's just…I've been thinking…you know…about what we're doing…you and I…and…I've decided…I…I can't do it anymore…"

I was glad Alex had let me ramble on…because all the words I had had planned to say so carefully now all seemed to have gone missing in my brain…drifted off to one of the dark places that you can't reach…

Alex's hand on my back stopped its caress and I felt him push me back a little so he could look into my eyes "What the heck do you mean Claire?" he asked me frowning and I realised that I really hadn't made it very specific what I meant…

I sighed and looked on his chest…I couldn't look in his eyes…my own eyes would probably have given away my feelings…

"This here…" I quietly told him "Our training sessions…It doesn't really feel right anymore…" I knew I was lying to him…but it was the only thing I could come up with where I knew he would listen.

His arm dropped off me and I felt him move away from me "Doesn't feel right anymore Claire?" he asked me and I could hear he wasn't convinced "That sure felt different last night…" he added but it was only a mumble.

"I'm sorry Alex…I should have told you before last night…" I moved up in bed and covered myself better with the sheet. "I…last night was sort of a goodbye…I can't explain it…it's just…I think we're too old and have done this way too often to still declare it a "Training Session"…it's just not right anymore…" I pulled my knees up to my chin, suddenly feeling the need to protect myself "Please Alex…we always said if one of us wanted out there'd be no problem between us…"

I felt Alex slip out of bed next to me and reach for his boxers on the floor…while he did so I caught a glimpse of his naked bottom and had to burry my head in the sheets…or I would have taken back the little speech I had just given immediately.  
When I heard him slip on his jeans I looked up again "Say something Alex…" I begged him "Talk to me…please…you promised…"

"It's not that easy Claire, ok?" He looked me in the eyes…was that sadness in there? No…couldn't be…could it? "I actually liked our training sessions every now and then, you know? It was…I don't know how to describe it…nice…you know?"

Yeah…I knew what he meant…though nice probably wouldn't cover it…more like finding comfort in familiarity…yeah…familiarity covered it better. We had always known what the other wanted or needed.

So I told him "I know Alex…I'm sorry…" It was all I could say…  
"Why Claire?" Alex sat down on the bed beside me now fully dressed and I was very aware of the fact that I was still completely naked. "Why now?"

I sighed…I couldn't tell him the truth…that would only cause awkwardness between us that I didn't want, didn't need…  
Taking a deep breath I told him "I don't know Alex…it just seemed time…we should have probably stopped this a long time ago…"

Alex was quiet for a minute till he said "Maybe you're right…" and looked at me "It just seemed a bit out of the blue, you know?"

"I'm sorry Alex…" I couldn't help but look in his deep blue eyes…hoping for once he couldn't see in them what I felt… "I've thought about this for a while…maybe I should have told you before last night…"

Alex shook his head "Nah…it's okay…I liked last night and who knows if it would have happened if you had told me…" he leaned towards me and kissed my temple like he had done so many times before "Thank you for last night Claire…and for the last…wow…11 years…we did do that a long time, didn't we?…I had fun…thank you…"

I was close to tears again as I nodded "I had fun, too…" I blinked the tears away and looked at him "Friends?"  
He nodded "Friends…"

Alex got up from the bed again and moved to the door. "I'll leave you alone so you can get dressed, alright? I'll see you downstairs…"

All I could do was nod as he opened the door with one last smile in my direction…then he was gone…

As soon as I heard the door close behind him I couldn't hold the tears back anymore…it was over…once and for all…I would never get to be in Alex's arms again…not like that…I would never get to feel his lips on mine again…

With a sob that I had suppressed for way too long I slipped back down into the bed and let my tears flow freely not caring about what I'd look like later…my eyes were red anyway from the lack of sleep…a few tears couldn't make it much worse…

I don't know how long I stayed like that…curled up on my side, crying my eyes out, hugging Alex's pillow that still had his typical smell on it…but when I heard rumbling from the room next door I knew I had to get up. There was a seminar waiting for me although I wasn't really in the mood for that anymore…all I really wanted now was to go home, lock myself in my room so I wouldn't have to talk to anybody and nurture my self pity for a while…

I wiped the tears away with the bed sheet, knowing room service would have to change it anyway after what we did on it last night and got up to get dressed…I think I was more functioning at that point than really thinking about what I was doing…

When I looked in the bathroom mirror I was satisfied to find that my cheeks still looked a little flushed which made me look better than I really felt…hopefully Alex wouldn't notice I'd cried when I'd see him for breakfast in a few minutes…

"You did it yourself McLeod…" I told my opposite in the mirror "You did it yourself so stop crying and get your act together…"

I straightened my shoulders and ignored the little voice inside my head telling me "But you love him…" I didn't need that now…I needed to move on. Alex surely would…and besides, we had never been together in that way…it had only been sex…

"But not for you…" the little voice told me again…so I quickly left the room to go and see if I could get some food into me today…hoping the distraction would shut the voice up…

The rest of the day went in kind of a blur for me…I don't think I remember anything of what was said at the seminar and even Mr Johnson's comment about the love birds being up yet I only commented with a look…I didn't feel like arguing…the knob could think what he wanted…

Alex kept on playing my loving husband for the remainder of the seminar but there was never any real physical contact between us or those loving looks we had thrown at each other the day before…I don't think we were very convincing…

The ride home we spent in silence…I let Alex drive and didn't even complain about his music…somehow the thought of loud rock music destroying my ears didn't seem so opposing to me anymore if it meant I wouldn't have to talk…I just didn't feel like joking around with Alex that day…the next day yeah…but I needed that day to myself to come to a closure…and I hoped Alex understood that somehow…I really hoped me finishing our little agreement from so long ago hadn't destroyed our friendship…

When we finally reached Drovers Alex asked if I would mind him staying for a beer but I asked him if he would mind if we'd just put it off till tomorrow. Alex looked at me a little worried but I smiled at him and told him I was just too tired for company tonight and he seemed to buy it because he smiled back knowingly and nodded.

"Thanks again, Claire…" he told me and put his hand on mine…and all I could do was nod because with the touch of his hand he had awoken those butterflies in my stomach again and I knew I needed to get out of the car or I would have told him it was all a joke and I didn't really mean it…

So I quickly opened the door and grabbed my suitcase from the back of the Ute and waved at Alex not looking at him as I made my way towards the house. I heard him start up the car and drive away…and my emotions caught up with me again as I sank down on the floor leaning against the wall of the shed with the tears rolling down my face again…

Thankfully nobody seemed to notice I was home when I went inside again a few minutes later desperately trying to wipe the tears from my face…I got to my room without anybody seeing me…or so I thought. I sat down on my bed and let myself fall back, covering my face with my hands…how on earth did I get myself in this situation? How could I let it happen that I fall in love with my best friend…who would never think about me the same way I think about him? Why did I let this happen?

My train of thoughts was interrupted by a knock on the door and the well known sound of it being opened.

"Claire?" I heard Meg's voice from the doorway.

"Hey Meg…" I mumbled into my hands "I'm back…"

I heard her chuckle "I thought so…we saw Alex drive away again…everything alright?"

I was glad Meg couldn't see my face in the position I was in because I was sure you could still see I had cried just a few minutes ago.

"Yeah…I'm just tired…had to share a room with Alex…you know how he is…" I hoped Meg would buy my excuse and she seemed to because she answered with a smile "Snoring your ears off?"

I chuckled a bit…Alex hadn't done any snoring last night…the amount of sleep we had both gotten hadn't been enough for that…but Meg must have taken that for a yes "Come on down and have tea with us…then you can go to bed early tonight…"

I nodded although Meg probably couldn't see it and told her "I'll be right down…tell Tess she can already prepare a report of what you did the last two days…"

Meg told me not to be too long before she left me alone and closed the door again…and I took a couple deep breaths. How I was supposed to survive the rest of the evening till I could go to bed I wasn't sure…maybe the girls' report of the last two days would distract me a bit…

So I got up off the bed and checked my appearance in the mirror and when I found it acceptable I made my way downstairs to face the mob…

Surprisingly enough when I heard what all had happened while I was away I forgot all about Alex for a while…and was really impressed with what Tess had done…it showed me that despite her crazy ideas from time to time she really was one of us now…bringing a lot of cattle in all the way up from the river paddock…alone!...was not easy…so I didn't even mind the lost sheep that somehow had found its way into our bath…if all it lightened up my mood for the rest of the evening.

When I finally went to bed I was so tired that I didn't even have time to think about Alex…I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Over the next few days it got easier to be around him with every time I saw him…mostly because Alex never treated me any differently than he had before…we were still best friends. It made it easier for me to move on I guess because I knew I hadn't lost him completely…I had only lost a certain amount of intimacy…and the hope I'd ever be loved by him the way I loved him…but at least he was still my friend…

A week and a half after the AI seminar we held the annual hay bail race despite the fact that Max Martin had only died a few days before…and that I beat Alex in with a little help from my darling sister Tess…which I of course wasn't very happy about at first. I had beaten Alex many times before in many other things…I didn't need her help. Of course…Alex had been bragging about how he'd win the race anyway and I needn't even compete in the first place all week before that and I might have mentioned that just for once I'd like to see him lose…but not like this…

But all that faded away quickly when Tess and I found Harry trapped under his tractor later that same day…I don't think I had been this scared ever since I had gone looking for my father and had found him dead…because that was exactly what this reminded me of…the day Dad died.

While Tess rode over to Killarney to get help I stayed with Harry…and all I could think of while I was talking to him was 'Please don't die on me…please don't die on me…'

I had just regained my emotional strength after what had happened at the AI Seminar…I don't think if Harry had died that day I would have been able to live a normal life…I think I would have broken down. But thankfully everything turned out to be alright in the end…at least for Harry. Nick on the other hand…that was something different.

While we all waited for the doc to arrive and have a look at Harry so we could lift the tractor off him, Harry promised Nick, that if anything happened to him now, that Killarney would go to both sons equally…not like it was written in his will where Alex would get all and Nick nothing.

I was pleased for Nick…he had done so much for the land he grew up on…he deserved to get his share. But when Tess and I visited Harry a few days later…he of course had changed his mind again…Nick would get nothing.

It was then I realised how lucky I actually was with the father I had. I might have died, but at least he had the guts to do the right thing…leave Drovers to both me and Tess…no matter how much Tess had worked or not worked for the up keeping of the farm…it would and always will be the land of her ancestors as well as mine…so she really deserved the share she got…and I told her that. It was the first time ever I realised that this was the right thing and I was glad Dad had done what he had and I had gotten my sister back through that.

Another thing that happened during that day was something, that Liz said and that I couldn't really place till a few months later…

When they were just loading up Harry into the ambulance to take him to hospital, Tess drove up in one of the Killarney Utes and had Liz with her. Alex's mother jumped out of the car and was by Harry's side in no time…she was obviously happy he was still alive. But once she saw he wasn't as bad as it had first appeared she started accusing him of how he could do that to her again and that it was all his fault…the next thing was the one that seemed a bit strange to me…Liz said "You could have prevented this Harry…you could have prevented it like you could have all those years ago…"

I remember looking at Tess but she only shrugged her shoulders and later on told me that Liz had mumbled something like that the whole time she had been with her but she hadn't been able to find out what it was all about. Back then I was a bit peeved because I wanted to know what she had been talking about…but today I'm glad I didn't already know back then…who knows if things would have turned out the way they did had I known…but we'll get to that later…

As a result of that day it looked like Alex and I were really completely back to what we had been before our encounter a week and a half before…best friends who could tell each other everything…

I don't know if it was his father's accident or something else that made him ask me…but the day after Harry had been under that tractor I met Alex on the street when he was on his way to Drovers and I was on my way to Killarney…and it was then that Alex asked me if I would mind if he'd ask Tess out to dinner.

At first my heart missed a beat and I felt a sting of jealousy like every time I saw the two together. But then I reminded myself why I had set a stop to our "training sessions"…because I knew Tess was interested in Alex and because I wanted her to be happy…and if it meant that she got Alex instead of me…then be it. At least he wanted her…

So I took all the courage I had just gathered together and told him that it was fine but to keep it down as long as I was around…I didn't know then that I would soon regret those very same words…

From the moment I gave Alex my permission to court my sister he did so…whenever he was on Drovers, there was not a minute you saw him without Tess…I'm not sure she liked it all that much at first and it was sure killing me…but in the end she gave in…

It was only a couple days after Harry had come back from hospital and a little over two weeks after the AI Seminar that there was a big sheep sale in Fisher…where I sold those undernourished sheep I had bought a couple months back…with a 400 profit.

Finally one of my investments for Drovers had paid off and I was in a very good mood that day…so invited all the Drovers girls out to dinner in town. Unfortunately the Chinese we had originally wanted to go to was closed…so all we had left was the pub.

I was a bit worried because of Becky…it hadn't been long before that we had found out it had actually been Brian Cronin, the owner of the Gungellan Pub that had raped her the night of the rodeo…but when Becky told us she would be fine we went for it…after all you don't get to celebrate such a huge profit every day…

At one point during a very embarrassing session of karaoke Tess had somehow dragged me into Alex showed up…gave me a nod and Tess a huge smile and went right outside where we still found him later…somebody had bought Wilgul under Harry's nose and Alex was the one who now had to pay for his father's bad mood…

I was quite happy Harry hadn't gotten the property…it would have meant Ryans on both sides of us…which certainly wouldn't have been good.

It didn't take long till Nick showed up as well…he had left Killarney right after I had told him about the change in Harry's plans regarding who'd get what when he died and had only come back then…only to tell Alex that he had bought Wilgul himself.

I knew right away what Nick was up to with that…something of his own like he had told me so many times…but I let Alex believe that it was only an add to Killarney. As much as I loved him…that big fella wasn't really all that great at keeping secrets and I knew how much Alex had always wanted to get away from Harry and Killarney…I feared his jealousy of Nick now doing what he had always wanted would lead to a fight between the brothers…even back then I knew it would come out eventually…but I always hoped I wouldn't be around when the news got around…

Throughout the evening Tess somehow convinced me to stay at the pub for the night…the original plan had been to drive home at one point…and to dress up for dinner. So we went up to the room we had gotten for both of us and Tess handed me an outfit she thought was perfect for me…and I must admit that I liked what I looked like…with the make-up she had added and the jewellery she had given me to wear I suddenly felt like a desirable person...like somebody men would actually want to go out with…maybe if I had worn something like that more often, Alex would have noticed me…I sighed…all those maybes…they shouldn't have to be…

Tess looked at me and told me I looked gorgeous and I had to agree with her…but I also felt a bit self-conscious…what if the boys would laugh at me?

So I told her to go ahead while I still gathered the strength to go down and face everybody else with my new outfit…  
When I finally felt strong enough and got back to the pub…the first thing I saw when I opened the door was Tess and Alex dancing with each other…both oblivious to what happened around them.

Neither of them even noticed me although they danced around right in front of me…and that was too much…how would any bloke ever notice me when Tess was around? I was not like her…she was the one that attracted the men…not me. I was only…Claire…

So I closed the door again and ran back to our room, desperately fighting back the tears that were about to leave my eyes…I managed this time but only barely. When I reached the room I felt ridiculous…what had I thought? Nothing would ever change the way Alex felt about me…not even a new look. And I didn't even feel comfortable like this…so why bother? If he didn't want me the way I was he wouldn't get me at all…not that he would even think about it anyway…no, Alex was better off with Tess…I had to live with it…

I changed back into my normal clothes and went back to the others after I had once again found my composure…it looked like I was doing that a lot lately…what was up with me? I knew…but I didn't want to admit it anymore…it only hurt too much…

The rest of the evening mainly consisted of two things…us trying to frame Brian for raping Becky, using Meg as bait…and Alex trying to get Tess into bed…

The first thing wasn't very successful…it ended with Brian threatening us all and taking the easy way out…the second one unfortunately was successful…I don't exactly know what made Tess change her mind…at first it had always looked like she would keep Alex in suspense a little longer…but after our little show with Brian failed the two of them went outside together and when they came back…went almost straight to Alex's room…together…

I didn't see Tess again till she came down with Alex the next morning…

After the two love birds had left and I felt like the loneliest person on earth so Nick and I kind of got into a drinking match over talking about farming…I don't know what got Nick to drinking so much but I think I just wanted to drown the pain in alcohol…I know it's not the right thing to do but back then it was all I could think of…drink so you forget that the man you love is only a couple doors down from where you are doing the things with your sister that you want to do with him…and that you did only two weeks earlier…I drank because I wanted to forget the view of Alex's naked body before my inner eyes every time someone mentioned his or Tess's name…

I can't even remember how I got back to my room that night…I guess Nick took me…I'd have to ask him one day…but what I do know that when I was there in that bed, all alone, I started crying like I hadn't ever cried before…I felt betrayed and lonely…why did these things always have to happen to me? Why was I always the one to have to cut back on everything? Why didn't I get to be happy for once?

After that night and the morning after I never touched any beer again…at least I could blame my feeling miserable that morning on drinking too much so I wouldn't have to blame it on my feelings for Alex…those I had to bury now…I knew it…I would never take my sister's boyfriend away from her…

Maybe it was the happy looks on Tess's and Alex's faces that morning or Tess's constant rambling about how great Alex was that I gave her that cheque with half the profit of the sheep sale…I don't know…all I knew was that all of a sudden I wanted Tess to be able to choose what she wanted to do…kind of like…stay here and be with Alex or fulfil her dream and leave Alex to me…but Tess never went…and my life was about to become even more complicated than it was at that point…

* * *

_Any new ideeas yet on what might happen? ;-) Let me know if you do..._


	6. Chapter 6

_Well...here's Part 6..._

* * *

**Part 6**

The week after Alex and Tess had first gotten together was one of the hardest I've ever had in my life…and not only because it was hard to see them together constantly which reminded me that I had lost the only man I'd ever really loved to my sister…without even telling him about my feelings…it was also because I felt lonely like I had never done before.

With all of Alex's other girlfriends he had always found some time for me as well…but with Tess…it was like he didn't notice me at all anymore. Of course I saw him daily…but we never really talked…not like we used to. We said hello and talked about the weather and the farms…but that was it.

Not that I really wanted to hear about Tess what Alex had told me about all his other girlfriends…but I couldn't help but wonder if he was comparing her to me like I knew he had done with his previous women…

And the noise that came from Tess's bedroom at night didn't help make things any easier either…

The night after she and Alex had gotten together Tess told me that Liz was probably not very pleased that she was with him now…and that she and Alex therefore had decided they wouldn't spend any time together on Killarney while his parents were around.

So Alex had spent every single night on Drovers since then…and every night I could hear that Tess and Alex were not only talking…although her and my room were not exactly door to door the old house wasn't and still isn't really all that sound proof…

It was because of their constant laughing and giggling and other sounds at night that I first started to blame my constant tiredness, that had set in by the end of the week, on them rather than suspect anything else…I couldn't sleep at night so I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open during the day…

While I was busy working out on the farm I was fine…but as soon as I rested somewhere I felt my eyelids get heavy and had to fight for consciousness…once Jodi even caught me out in Skinny Jim's leaning against a tree fast asleep in the middle of the day with my lunch half eaten in my hand…I think Jodi was too shocked to see me that way to even think about making fun of me…lucky for me she never told her Mum how often I was yawning or closing my eyes for a few seconds during the day or Meg might have figured out what was wrong with me a lot earlier than she did in the end…and I'm not sure that would have been a good thing…

The other thing that really made me mad at Tess and Alex was that I just couldn't get up in the morning anymore…

I had never ever in my whole life had any problem with getting up early to do my work…and all of a sudden I was sleeping through my alarm and didn't want to get up at all…all thanks to the two lovebirds a few doors down…or so I thought…because the Sunday exactly one week after Tess and Alex had officially began dating, Alex had to go to Adelaide for three days to sort some business out for Harry…it would have usually been something Nick would have done…but he was so busy making plans for Wilgul that Harry had sent Alex…

And I was glad…finally I would get my sleep again at night and wouldn't have to catch up on what I missed out on during the day…and I needed it. After a week of not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours every night I was knackered…I felt like I had been run over by a tractor not once but at least 5 times…

So Sunday night I excused myself right after tea and went to bed at 7 pm for the first time ever since I had been a little kid…sure, I did usually go to bed earlier than normal people living in the city probably would have gone…but 7 was even early for me…and I slept through all the way till 7 the next morning…and I would have probably slept a lot longer still hadn't Tess come to see if I was alright…I had once again missed the ringing of my alarm clock…

So for the first time ever since Tess had come to Drovers she actually had to wake me up instead of me making her jump out of bed…she was teasing me about it for months after that!  
That morning I blamed it on my need to catch up on sleep that I had slept a total of 12 hours and was still feeling rather tired during the day…not as bad as the week before but still more than usual.

But when all of this didn't stop in the next few days I was seriously beginning to think something was wrong with me…I couldn't tell what but something just wasn't right…by Tuesday I started to have a little weird feeling in my stomach when I got up in the morning…but that went away as soon as I had filled the very same with some food…at first I thought I was coming down with a stomach flu or something on top of it all…till on Thursday something that Meg said to me got me thinking…thinking really hard.

I had just come in from feeding the horses and sat down at the breakfast table when Meg placed my breakfast in front of me as usual…eggs, bacon, sausages, toast…nothing unusual…I had that every morning.

Like all the other mornings before I was feeling not quite right in my stomach so I started on the toast first which I knew would settle the feeling and get my hunger out again…it had been like that the last two mornings as well…

So I picked up the toast and nibbled on it as I heard the kettle beside me snap off…and since Meg was busy with the breakfast for the other girls that hadn't come back in yet I got up with my toast in hand to fill the cups that were already prepared with instant coffee…and Tess's coffee maker with the real stuff…

The smell of the instant coffee already made my stomach turn but as I was filling the jug for Tess's real stuff up with water and the smell of the freshly grounded coffee beans hit my nose I felt the sudden need to turn around and put my hand over my mouth…

"You alright Claire?" Meg asked me from where she was standing at the stove and I could feel her look at me worried…

I couldn't quite answer yet because I was afraid the little bit of toast I had eaten would come right back up again so I only nodded till after a few seconds I felt a little better and could actually mumble "I'm fine…"

I walked away from the offending smell and took a couple deep breaths all under the worried looks of Meg till I had myself and my body in control again and could actually take the hand away…

"What's wrong Claire?" Meg asked again and I could only shrug my shoulders

"I don't know…" I said and at that time it was the truth "But something about Tess's coffee just smells bad…are you sure it's still good?"

"What do you mean…smells bad?" Meg looked at me confused.  
I shrugged my shoulders again "I can't really say…it just doesn't smell like it usually does…"

"Well the coffee beans looked fine when I grounded them a few minutes ago…" Meg moved over to where the mugs and Tess's jug was and smelled at the brown fluid "Smells alright to me…" she told me and looked at me "Are you sure you're alright Claire?"

"Of course I am! Why shouldn't I be?" I was a little harsher maybe than I had wanted in the first place…but I just didn't want to think about the possibility that something could be wrong with me…I couldn't get ill now…I needed to work with Blaze!

Meg got back to the stove and took the pan with the bacon off and filled the rest of the plates with it "I was only asking Claire…" she said while doing so "You've been a bit pale and tired lately…and with the coffee just now…" she put the pan in the sink and looked at me "I know it can't be because I know you weren't out with anybody lately…and please don't get mad at me…but the only time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with Jodi…"

I took in a sharp breath…could it be? No! Or could it? Maybe…

I felt Meg's look on me as I was thinking and knew I had to cover up…I needed to know if it even was a possibility first before I would be able to maybe talk about it…

So I said "Well…that can't be it then…since you pointed out I haven't seen anybody…"…Except Alex…I added in my thoughts… "I'm just tired because those two wouldn't let me sleep last night again…"

"Sure…" Meg shrugged her shoulders and sat down at the table. It was true…Alex had come back from Adelaide the day before and had spent the night on Drovers…but for once I hadn't heard a thing from Tess's room…probably because I had already been fast asleep by the time the two had come up…

After Meg's comment had gotten me thinking really hard I really didn't feel like breakfast anymore…I wanted to check if it was even possible that I could be…I didn't even want to think about the word at that point. I couldn't really remember the last time I had had my period right then and there…I would have to look it up…

In that moment Jodi and Becky walked in from outside…I was still standing where I had gone after Tess's coffee had made my stomach rebel…arguing about some film star they both liked, sitting down at the table, diving into their food…when Tess and Alex walked in from the other side…and I felt the urgent need to get out of the kitchen…

So I quickly went over to where I had been sitting, put the bacon on the remaining piece of toast and practically ran out the door my sister and Alex had just come in mumbling "I've got to go through some papers…" and leaving a few confused faces behind…

My feet took me into the study where I had my private calendar in one of the drawers of Harry's desk…it still hurt to see the modern piece of furniture there instead of Jack's old desk…

I placed the toast with the bacon on the wood and pulled the desired drawer open…and always hoped that I had written down my last period because I have to admit I was not always accurate with that…it happened quite often that I simply forgot or was too busy to write it down and later just couldn't remember when it had been. I was always up do date and meticulous when it came to the books concerning the property…but when it came to me I never really paid much attention to what was going on…maybe I should have…

I checked the pages and went back in time, praying I'd find the mark soon…but it never came…I had really forgotten to write the date down…how should I find out now if it even were a possibility that I was…I still didn't want to think about that word…if it was true it would be about the worst thing that had ever happened to me…and it was all my fault.

But how should I find out? It was not like there were any home pregnancy tests lying around on Drovers…and my memory just wouldn't cooperate with me…

I don't know how long I sat there in the study looking into space with a pounding heart, wrecking my brain, moving around dates…I only realised it must have been a long time when Tess walked in and asked me "Found the papers you were looking for?"

"What?" was my first reply…then it hit me what my excuse for the run from the kitchen had been and I said "Oh…yeah…"

"You ready to go then?" she wanted to know and I looked at her confused.

"Ready to go where?" I asked her…which got me a weird look from my sister.

"Get the sheep back out to Skinny Jim's?" Tess said frowning "You wanted us to do that while Becky and Jodi check the fences near the national park…Oscar's already saddled up and I was waiting for you…"

"Oh…right…yeah…we can go…" I sighed and started putting the things away that were scattered around the desk to cover up for not really doing anything but staring when Tess had come in "Could you go and saddle up Blaze for me, please? I'll be right out…"

Tess was still frowning but nodded and finally left mumbling something like "She's getting stranger every day…" before she disappeared…

I took one last look in the calendar and then put it away telling myself if I wasn't…I would really start paying more attention to my body and write everything down…

I was just about to leave the study still wondering how on earth I was supposed to get hold of a pregnancy test without the whole town knowing right away when the phone rang…it was Kent Peterson from the bank in Fisher telling me that the new cheques for the Drovers account were done and if he should send them as usual or if I would be in Fisher any time in the near future.

At first I wanted to tell him to just send them as always…till it hit me that this was probably my only chance to do that pregnancy test in the anonymity of the city…Nobody really knew me there…

So I told him I'd drop by the next day and get them and hung up…now thinking about what I wanted to tell the others why I had to go into Fisher alone…

In the end I only told them that I had to sort some business out with the bank and took the Merc early the next morning to drive the three hours to Fisher...hoping that Meg hadn't been right with her suspicion…

I had spent another rather sleepless night…though this time not thanks to the lovebirds…I hadn't been able to stop my brain from thinking till I had finally been too exhausted to keep my eyes open…

What if I was? What would I do with a child? How should I tell Alex? What would Tess think…Tess…I couldn't tell her…it would break her heart! She hadn't mentioned anything about trying to get that café she had wanted with the money I had given her almost two weeks earlier…and the thing between her and Alex seemed to be going quite well…if she ever found out I was…and that Alex was the father…it would kill her…

All the way to Fisher I kept telling myself not to jump to conclusions…there was till a chance I wasn't…although after playing with the dates in my head last night it had dawned on me that that chance was rather slim…

I went to the bank and picked up the new cheques and then went to search for a chemist as far away from the places I usually went in Fisher as possible…

I found one at the other end of town…but couldn't bring myself to go inside. I don't know how long I stayed in the car but when I finally found the courage to go inside my heart was beating so fast it was almost popping out of my chest…

Thankfully there was no other customer in the shop when I went up to the counter and asked for two pregnancy tests with as much of a clear voice as I could come up with…I had figured I wanted to take two just to be on the safe side…

The assistant asked me if I knew which test I wanted and I must have looked really helpless because then she just went away and left me at the counter only to come back a minute later with a couple boxes in her hands…

I ended up buying three different tests…all said to be quite accurate…and then going on a search for a loo to take them…I needed to go anyway so that came in handy…

Finding a loo where I knew I wouldn't run into anybody that might know me proved to be a lot harder than the chemist…I didn't want to go into one of the pubs or use the facilities of the service station since they were the usual meeting points when people were here from my area…so I just kept on driving…

When I was a good half hour outside of Fisher I took a small road that didn't look like a busy one and finally stopped when I saw a couple bushes at the side up the bank…that would have to do…

I unpacked all three tests and read the instructions of what I had to do…I had read about it but had never before done one of those myself…it seemed quite simple so I got out of the Merc and behind those bushes with the three tests in hand and did what I had to do…and then I had to wait…3 minutes for the blue test, five for the pink one and ten for the greenish blue one…

I sat back into the car and placed all three tests on a tissue on the passenger seat face down and waited…

The minutes seemed to turn into hours and with every second that I saw tick off on my watch my heart beat faster and I felt more and more light headed…

When three minutes were finally up I took the blue test and turned it around inspecting the result, picking up the instructions for the test, comparing what I saw…

Was that a second line there? I couldn't tell…if it was it was rather thin…I wasn't sure…maybe I needed to wait a little longer? But would I get through the rest of the ten minutes without dying of a heart attack?

I sighed and simply put the test back to where I'd gotten it from…I should have brought a book to distract myself…but then again…I was probably way too nervous to concentrate on anything anyway…

When my watch told me it was still five minutes to go I couldn't take it anymore and got out of the car to walk around…the tests really wouldn't finish any sooner if I kept staring at them…or at my watch…

I walked up the bank again to where I had gone behind the bushes and looked around…I had been way too distracted thinking about the instructions earlier to take in my surroundings…I was almost standing inside what seemed like an empty field on the top of a hill overlooking a valley a small river had formed…I could see the river in the distance…

The sight of the beautiful nature around me calmed my heart down a bit…but it also got me back to the thoughts again about what I would do if those tests really turned out positive…

The thought that there might be a tiny human being inside of me scared me to death…I had no knowledge at all about babies or children...would I even be able to care for a child? I had grown up without a mother and therefore had no clue how to be one…so far the thought about having children had never even crossed my mind…so…did I want to keep it?

I looked down at the river and suddenly I saw something that I hadn't seen before…there were people down there…and behind some trees there was a house…and there were kids playing in the yards and a man and a woman watching them arm in arm…and then I realised that if I really were pregnant the child would not only be a part of me but also a part of Alex…and I knew that if it really was there I wouldn't be able to kill it…

So that meant keeping…but how would I tell everybody? As soon as I told them I was pregnant Alex would find out as well…and he'd know right away it was his…and Tess would find out as well…and it'd break her heart…no…I couldn't tell…no yet…  
I looked on my watch…the ten minutes were finally over…time to check if I had complicated my life even more or if I'd just gotten a scare…

I opened the door to the passenger seat and slowly picked up all three tests without looking at them and closed my eyes for a second before I slowly turned them around one after the other…

I looked at the blue one first…the second line had gotten a lot thicker…that meant positive, right?

My heart jumped and I had to take a deep breath before I looked at the second one…the pink one also clearly showed a second pink line…so I quickly looked at the last one and yes…there was a plus in that one window…

I had to swallow hard and take a couple more deep breaths as I felt the world start spinning around me…so Meg had been right…

I had to sit down in the grass beside the road because my knees suddenly felt like pudding…all three tests still in hand. I had to look at them again as if to check if I had really seen correctly and hadn't hallucinated after my thoughts about Alex just a few minutes before…but yes…all three still looked very positive…I was pregnant…I was really pregnant…

Now I didn't care about time anymore and my brain felt completely empty except for one sentence…I'm pregnant with Alex's child…and he's my sister's boyfriend now…

I don't know how long I sat beside that road or what finally made me get up and back into the car again…I can't even remember how I actually got back to Drovers but today I think I was probably lucky I didn't have an accident because my thoughts clearly weren't focussed on the driving…all I did was repeat that sentence in my head over an over again…  
It only stopped when I saw Drovers appear in front of me as I drove over the hill…and I had to stop the car…

The three tests were still scattered over the passenger seat along with their wrappings and instructions…I couldn't let anybody see that…they would know right away…and Alex and most of all Tess would find out…I couldn't risk that…

So I stuffed the three plastic sticks into my pocket and went searching through the glove box if there was something inside that I could put the wrappings in so nobody could see them…but I found something even better…a lighter…

So I burned everything else and made sure the little fire I had made was out again before I got back into the Merc and drove the rest of the way home…

I parked the car and went inside the house, glad that nobody was there…I put the cheques from the bank into the study and then went upstairs into my bedroom and put the plastic sticks into the drawer of my bedside table…for now they were safe there till I found a better place…

I don't really know how to describe it now but for me all this felt like I had somehow left my body and was watching me do all those things from somewhere beside me…it didn't feel real…I guess you can blame it on the shock…

I kicked my boots off and threw myself on the bed, rolling up on my side, one hand under my head…I was tired now…all I wanted to do was sleep…forget for a few hours that nothing would ever be the same again…

So I closed my eyes and felt sleep overcome me…the last thought on my mind before I drifted off was "How on earth did I get myself in this mess…" 6

The week after Alex and Tess had first gotten together was one of the hardest I've ever had in my life…and not only because it was hard to see them together constantly which reminded me that I had lost the only man I'd ever really loved to my sister…without even telling him about my feelings…it was also because I felt lonely like I had never done before.

With all of Alex's other girlfriends he had always found some time for me as well…but with Tess…it was like he didn't notice me at all anymore. Of course I saw him daily…but we never really talked…not like we used to. We said hello and talked about the weather and the farms…but that was it.

Not that I really wanted to hear about Tess what Alex had told me about all his other girlfriends…but I couldn't help but wonder if he was comparing her to me like I knew he had done with his previous women…

And the noise that came from Tess's bedroom at night didn't help make things any easier either…

The night after she and Alex had gotten together Tess told me that Liz was probably not very pleased that she was with him now…and that she and Alex therefore had decided they wouldn't spend any time together on Killarney while his parents were around.

So Alex had spent every single night on Drovers since then…and every night I could hear that Tess and Alex were not only talking…although her and my room were not exactly door to door the old house wasn't and still isn't really all that sound proof…

It was because of their constant laughing and giggling and other sounds at night that I first started to blame my constant tiredness, that had set in by the end of the week, on them rather than suspect anything else…I couldn't sleep at night so I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open during the day…

While I was busy working out on the farm I was fine…but as soon as I rested somewhere I felt my eyelids get heavy and had to fight for consciousness…once Jodi even caught me out in Skinny Jim's leaning against a tree fast asleep in the middle of the day with my lunch half eaten in my hand…I think Jodi was too shocked to see me that way to even think about making fun of me…lucky for me she never told her Mum how often I was yawning or closing my eyes for a few seconds during the day or Meg might have figured out what was wrong with me a lot earlier than she did in the end…and I'm not sure that would have been a good thing…

The other thing that really made me mad at Tess and Alex was that I just couldn't get up in the morning anymore…

I had never ever in my whole life had any problem with getting up early to do my work…and all of a sudden I was sleeping through my alarm and didn't want to get up at all…all thanks to the two lovebirds a few doors down…or so I thought…because the Sunday exactly one week after Tess and Alex had officially began dating, Alex had to go to Adelaide for three days to sort some business out for Harry…it would have usually been something Nick would have done…but he was so busy making plans for Wilgul that Harry had sent Alex…

And I was glad…finally I would get my sleep again at night and wouldn't have to catch up on what I missed out on during the day…and I needed it. After a week of not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours every night I was knackered…I felt like I had been run over by a tractor not once but at least 5 times…

So Sunday night I excused myself right after tea and went to bed at 7 pm for the first time ever since I had been a little kid…sure, I did usually go to bed earlier than normal people living in the city probably would have gone…but 7 was even early for me…and I slept through all the way till 7 the next morning…and I would have probably slept a lot longer still hadn't Tess come to see if I was alright…I had once again missed the ringing of my alarm clock…

So for the first time ever since Tess had come to Drovers she actually had to wake me up instead of me making her jump out of bed…she was teasing me about it for months after that!  
That morning I blamed it on my need to catch up on sleep that I had slept a total of 12 hours and was still feeling rather tired during the day…not as bad as the week before but still more than usual.

But when all of this didn't stop in the next few days I was seriously beginning to think something was wrong with me…I couldn't tell what but something just wasn't right…by Tuesday I started to have a little weird feeling in my stomach when I got up in the morning…but that went away as soon as I had filled the very same with some food…at first I thought I was coming down with a stomach flu or something on top of it all…till on Thursday something that Meg said to me got me thinking…thinking really hard.

I had just come in from feeding the horses and sat down at the breakfast table when Meg placed my breakfast in front of me as usual…eggs, bacon, sausages, toast…nothing unusual…I had that every morning.

Like all the other mornings before I was feeling not quite right in my stomach so I started on the toast first which I knew would settle the feeling and get my hunger out again…it had been like that the last two mornings as well…

So I picked up the toast and nibbled on it as I heard the kettle beside me snap off…and since Meg was busy with the breakfast for the other girls that hadn't come back in yet I got up with my toast in hand to fill the cups that were already prepared with instant coffee…and Tess's coffee maker with the real stuff…

The smell of the instant coffee already made my stomach turn but as I was filling the jug for Tess's real stuff up with water and the smell of the freshly grounded coffee beans hit my nose I felt the sudden need to turn around and put my hand over my mouth…

"You alright Claire?" Meg asked me from where she was standing at the stove and I could feel her look at me worried…

I couldn't quite answer yet because I was afraid the little bit of toast I had eaten would come right back up again so I only nodded till after a few seconds I felt a little better and could actually mumble "I'm fine…"

I walked away from the offending smell and took a couple deep breaths all under the worried looks of Meg till I had myself and my body in control again and could actually take the hand away…

"What's wrong Claire?" Meg asked again and I could only shrug my shoulders

"I don't know…" I said and at that time it was the truth "But something about Tess's coffee just smells bad…are you sure it's still good?"

"What do you mean…smells bad?" Meg looked at me confused.  
I shrugged my shoulders again "I can't really say…it just doesn't smell like it usually does…"

"Well the coffee beans looked fine when I grounded them a few minutes ago…" Meg moved over to where the mugs and Tess's jug was and smelled at the brown fluid "Smells alright to me…" she told me and looked at me "Are you sure you're alright Claire?"

"Of course I am! Why shouldn't I be?" I was a little harsher maybe than I had wanted in the first place…but I just didn't want to think about the possibility that something could be wrong with me…I couldn't get ill now…I needed to work with Blaze!

Meg got back to the stove and took the pan with the bacon off and filled the rest of the plates with it "I was only asking Claire…" she said while doing so "You've been a bit pale and tired lately…and with the coffee just now…" she put the pan in the sink and looked at me "I know it can't be because I know you weren't out with anybody lately…and please don't get mad at me…but the only time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with Jodi…"

I took in a sharp breath…could it be? No! Or could it? Maybe…

I felt Meg's look on me as I was thinking and knew I had to cover up…I needed to know if it even was a possibility first before I would be able to maybe talk about it…

So I said "Well…that can't be it then…since you pointed out I haven't seen anybody…"…Except Alex…I added in my thoughts… "I'm just tired because those two wouldn't let me sleep last night again…"

"Sure…" Meg shrugged her shoulders and sat down at the table. It was true…Alex had come back from Adelaide the day before and had spent the night on Drovers…but for once I hadn't heard a thing from Tess's room…probably because I had already been fast asleep by the time the two had come up…

After Meg's comment had gotten me thinking really hard I really didn't feel like breakfast anymore…I wanted to check if it was even possible that I could be…I didn't even want to think about the word at that point. I couldn't really remember the last time I had had my period right then and there…I would have to look it up…

In that moment Jodi and Becky walked in from outside…I was still standing where I had gone after Tess's coffee had made my stomach rebel…arguing about some film star they both liked, sitting down at the table, diving into their food…when Tess and Alex walked in from the other side…and I felt the urgent need to get out of the kitchen…

So I quickly went over to where I had been sitting, put the bacon on the remaining piece of toast and practically ran out the door my sister and Alex had just come in mumbling "I've got to go through some papers…" and leaving a few confused faces behind…

My feet took me into the study where I had my private calendar in one of the drawers of Harry's desk…it still hurt to see the modern piece of furniture there instead of Jack's old desk…

I placed the toast with the bacon on the wood and pulled the desired drawer open…and always hoped that I had written down my last period because I have to admit I was not always accurate with that…it happened quite often that I simply forgot or was too busy to write it down and later just couldn't remember when it had been. I was always up do date and meticulous when it came to the books concerning the property…but when it came to me I never really paid much attention to what was going on…maybe I should have…

I checked the pages and went back in time, praying I'd find the mark soon…but it never came…I had really forgotten to write the date down…how should I find out now if it even were a possibility that I was…I still didn't want to think about that word…if it was true it would be about the worst thing that had ever happened to me…and it was all my fault.

But how should I find out? It was not like there were any home pregnancy tests lying around on Drovers…and my memory just wouldn't cooperate with me…

I don't know how long I sat there in the study looking into space with a pounding heart, wrecking my brain, moving around dates…I only realised it must have been a long time when Tess walked in and asked me "Found the papers you were looking for?"

"What?" was my first reply…then it hit me what my excuse for the run from the kitchen had been and I said "Oh…yeah…"

"You ready to go then?" she wanted to know and I looked at her confused.

"Ready to go where?" I asked her…which got me a weird look from my sister.

"Get the sheep back out to Skinny Jim's?" Tess said frowning "You wanted us to do that while Becky and Jodi check the fences near the national park…Oscar's already saddled up and I was waiting for you…"

"Oh…right…yeah…we can go…" I sighed and started putting the things away that were scattered around the desk to cover up for not really doing anything but staring when Tess had come in "Could you go and saddle up Blaze for me, please? I'll be right out…"

Tess was still frowning but nodded and finally left mumbling something like "She's getting stranger every day…" before she disappeared…

I took one last look in the calendar and then put it away telling myself if I wasn't…I would really start paying more attention to my body and write everything down…

I was just about to leave the study still wondering how on earth I was supposed to get hold of a pregnancy test without the whole town knowing right away when the phone rang…it was Kent Peterson from the bank in Fisher telling me that the new cheques for the Drovers account were done and if he should send them as usual or if I would be in Fisher any time in the near future.

At first I wanted to tell him to just send them as always…till it hit me that this was probably my only chance to do that pregnancy test in the anonymity of the city…Nobody really knew me there…

So I told him I'd drop by the next day and get them and hung up…now thinking about what I wanted to tell the others why I had to go into Fisher alone…

In the end I only told them that I had to sort some business out with the bank and took the Merc early the next morning to drive the three hours to Fisher...hoping that Meg hadn't been right with her suspicion…

I had spent another rather sleepless night…though this time not thanks to the lovebirds…I hadn't been able to stop my brain from thinking till I had finally been too exhausted to keep my eyes open…

What if I was? What would I do with a child? How should I tell Alex? What would Tess think…Tess…I couldn't tell her…it would break her heart! She hadn't mentioned anything about trying to get that café she had wanted with the money I had given her almost two weeks earlier…and the thing between her and Alex seemed to be going quite well…if she ever found out I was…and that Alex was the father…it would kill her…

All the way to Fisher I kept telling myself not to jump to conclusions…there was till a chance I wasn't…although after playing with the dates in my head last night it had dawned on me that that chance was rather slim…

I went to the bank and picked up the new cheques and then went to search for a chemist as far away from the places I usually went in Fisher as possible…

I found one at the other end of town…but couldn't bring myself to go inside. I don't know how long I stayed in the car but when I finally found the courage to go inside my heart was beating so fast it was almost popping out of my chest…

Thankfully there was no other customer in the shop when I went up to the counter and asked for two pregnancy tests with as much of a clear voice as I could come up with…I had figured I wanted to take two just to be on the safe side…

The assistant asked me if I knew which test I wanted and I must have looked really helpless because then she just went away and left me at the counter only to come back a minute later with a couple boxes in her hands…

I ended up buying three different tests…all said to be quite accurate…and then going on a search for a loo to take them…I needed to go anyway so that came in handy…

Finding a loo where I knew I wouldn't run into anybody that might know me proved to be a lot harder than the chemist…I didn't want to go into one of the pubs or use the facilities of the service station since they were the usual meeting points when people were here from my area…so I just kept on driving…

When I was a good half hour outside of Fisher I took a small road that didn't look like a busy one and finally stopped when I saw a couple bushes at the side up the bank…that would have to do…

I unpacked all three tests and read the instructions of what I had to do…I had read about it but had never before done one of those myself…it seemed quite simple so I got out of the Merc and behind those bushes with the three tests in hand and did what I had to do…and then I had to wait…3 minutes for the blue test, five for the pink one and ten for the greenish blue one…

I sat back into the car and placed all three tests on a tissue on the passenger seat face down and waited…

The minutes seemed to turn into hours and with every second that I saw tick off on my watch my heart beat faster and I felt more and more light headed…

When three minutes were finally up I took the blue test and turned it around inspecting the result, picking up the instructions for the test, comparing what I saw…

Was that a second line there? I couldn't tell…if it was it was rather thin…I wasn't sure…maybe I needed to wait a little longer? But would I get through the rest of the ten minutes without dying of a heart attack?

I sighed and simply put the test back to where I'd gotten it from…I should have brought a book to distract myself…but then again…I was probably way too nervous to concentrate on anything anyway…

When my watch told me it was still five minutes to go I couldn't take it anymore and got out of the car to walk around…the tests really wouldn't finish any sooner if I kept staring at them…or at my watch…

I walked up the bank again to where I had gone behind the bushes and looked around…I had been way too distracted thinking about the instructions earlier to take in my surroundings…I was almost standing inside what seemed like an empty field on the top of a hill overlooking a valley a small river had formed…I could see the river in the distance…

The sight of the beautiful nature around me calmed my heart down a bit…but it also got me back to the thoughts again about what I would do if those tests really turned out positive…

The thought that there might be a tiny human being inside of me scared me to death…I had no knowledge at all about babies or children...would I even be able to care for a child? I had grown up without a mother and therefore had no clue how to be one…so far the thought about having children had never even crossed my mind…so…did I want to keep it?

I looked down at the river and suddenly I saw something that I hadn't seen before…there were people down there…and behind some trees there was a house…and there were kids playing in the yards and a man and a woman watching them arm in arm…and then I realised that if I really were pregnant the child would not only be a part of me but also a part of Alex…and I knew that if it really was there I wouldn't be able to kill it…

So that meant keeping…but how would I tell everybody? As soon as I told them I was pregnant Alex would find out as well…and he'd know right away it was his…and Tess would find out as well…and it'd break her heart…no…I couldn't tell…no yet…  
I looked on my watch…the ten minutes were finally over…time to check if I had complicated my life even more or if I'd just gotten a scare…

I opened the door to the passenger seat and slowly picked up all three tests without looking at them and closed my eyes for a second before I slowly turned them around one after the other…

I looked at the blue one first…the second line had gotten a lot thicker…that meant positive, right?

My heart jumped and I had to take a deep breath before I looked at the second one…the pink one also clearly showed a second pink line…so I quickly looked at the last one and yes…there was a plus in that one window…

I had to swallow hard and take a couple more deep breaths as I felt the world start spinning around me…so Meg had been right…

I had to sit down in the grass beside the road because my knees suddenly felt like pudding…all three tests still in hand. I had to look at them again as if to check if I had really seen correctly and hadn't hallucinated after my thoughts about Alex just a few minutes before…but yes…all three still looked very positive…I was pregnant…I was really pregnant…

Now I didn't care about time anymore and my brain felt completely empty except for one sentence…I'm pregnant with Alex's child…and he's my sister's boyfriend now…

I don't know how long I sat beside that road or what finally made me get up and back into the car again…I can't even remember how I actually got back to Drovers but today I think I was probably lucky I didn't have an accident because my thoughts clearly weren't focussed on the driving…all I did was repeat that sentence in my head over an over again…  
It only stopped when I saw Drovers appear in front of me as I drove over the hill…and I had to stop the car…

The three tests were still scattered over the passenger seat along with their wrappings and instructions…I couldn't let anybody see that…they would know right away…and Alex and most of all Tess would find out…I couldn't risk that…

So I stuffed the three plastic sticks into my pocket and went searching through the glove box if there was something inside that I could put the wrappings in so nobody could see them…but I found something even better…a lighter…

So I burned everything else and made sure the little fire I had made was out again before I got back into the Merc and drove the rest of the way home…

I parked the car and went inside the house, glad that nobody was there…I put the cheques from the bank into the study and then went upstairs into my bedroom and put the plastic sticks into the drawer of my bedside table…for now they were safe there till I found a better place…

I don't really know how to describe it now but for me all this felt like I had somehow left my body and was watching me do all those things from somewhere beside me…it didn't feel real…I guess you can blame it on the shock…

I kicked my boots off and threw myself on the bed, rolling up on my side, one hand under my head…I was tired now…all I wanted to do was sleep…forget for a few hours that nothing would ever be the same again…

So I closed my eyes and felt sleep overcome me…the last thought on my mind before I drifted off was "How on earth did I get myself in this mess…"

* * *

_So...who guessed that Claire would end up pregnant ;) and who can guess what will happen next...let me know!_


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